Why Does My Spouse Make Me So Angry?
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I muttered to myself, "If only Larry would be the man I expected, I wouldn't be so angry. It's his fault." We'd been married seven years and I feared our marriage wouldn't survive. I pleaded with God to change Larry—to make him work less and not be so interested in his flying hobby. Every time he flew without me, my anger increased. I repeated over and over, "It's all his fault!"
But then God began to change my perspective and as a result, he brought healing and joy into our marriage. If your spouse makes you "so angry," you might want to consider the insights God gave me.
I'm responsible for my anger
For most of my life, I'd blamed others for my anger. "If only they wouldn't do …" or "If only they would do …" But God began to show me verses like Ephesians 4:29, 31-32. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths … Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate …" Paul used verbs that were commands, which meant I could choose to obey. It wasn't out of my control.
None of those verses say, "If your spouse treats you right, do not let any unwholesome talk …" or "If your spouse meets your needs, be kind and compassionate." There were no possible justifications. I was responsible for my reactions and if I claimed to be a Christian, I had the Holy Spirit's power to be patient as a fruit of the Spirit. As a result, I began to hold myself accountable.
Taking responsibility for my anger meant humbling myself and asking forgiveness from God and Larry. Though extremely difficult in the beginning, I was more motivated to recognize when I started to become angry in order to avoid needing to ask forgiveness. Learning to catch myself confirmed that I could choose to be angry—or not!
My spouse isn't a reflection of me
When Larry and I were with others, my mind rumbled, Why did he say that? or I can't believe he did that. Even though he was directing his actions toward others, I felt angry. If he was gruff with someone, I felt bad and would step in to make things better. If he seemed unconcerned about someone's situation, I went overboard asking them about it. It seemed like I spent a lot of thought and energy trying to make up for what I believed he lacked. And I felt angry because it seemed to put me in a bad light.
Then I began to question, Why am I feeling angry when he didn't even do those things to me? I was acting as though he was a direct reflection of me and I took it personally. When he didn't "perform" the way I thought he should and other people seemed unhappy, I felt like they judged me. After all I criticized other wives for not controlling their husbands. I thought getting angry at Larry would motivate him to change—thus would protect my image.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2009, Web-only
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Cam
Thank you for this article. I am currently finding myself feeling angry towards my husband. It's a combination of recycled things that keep coming up. The enemy is using my emotions and thought life against me. This article fed my spirit and Prov 3:5-6 is exactly what I should be meditating on. We haven't been married for that long and I find that my "thinking" or "idea" of what a marriage should be like is not what I am seeing in my husband. This article showed me how much I need to trust and rely on God more!
bill
thank you tammy
Tammy
Bill, whether you have sons or daughters, or both, it's important for the dad to spend one on one time with each child. A lot of men don't seem to know it, but girls just LOVE their fathers, they love them more than their mothers sometimes in fact. Just take the time to be with them, if they're little, even doing arts and crafts, or play a board game or a card game with them, or take them to a local game in some sport, or the zoo. The time you spend with them is so very worth it, for both of you. Their love for you is there, they just want time with you. The role dad's play in the life of their daughters is important-they'll often look for husbands who are just like their dad, especially if they love him very much. And the boys need your time as a role model. It's never too late. Be sure to say goodnight to each one individually, and read a book and pray with them. They really need you, more than you know.
BILL
i am writing because i have no answers to my marrage problems.i love my wife deeply but there is a wall between us that we just cant get rid of .i know i am at fault for most of are problems. my wife was always very affinate with me many years ago . and over the years i just got caught up in working and making sure iam able to give my family what they need . but somewhere down the road we lost connection with each other. and i know in my heart that its because of the kids that my wife is still with me . my wife is the greatest mother i think there can ever be . and i know that the kids knows how much she loves them. i quess you can say i get sad sometimes because i want the kids to love me like they do there mother . dont take what am feeling wrong i love that my wife has that bond with the kids i quess what am trying to say is that i wish i had whatthey have or i knew what to do . without buying stuff all the time . i know am far from being the greatest father or husband . i want to
angry wife
I have been with my husband for almost 10 years now he doesn't listen to me b/c the only thing that makes me angry is that he doesn't work! He is loving and caring a great father but doesn't even try to find a job. maybe trying to talk to god will help me understand that no one is perfect
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