Let's Give Him Something to Talk About
Average Rating: 
[31 Comments]
While we were dating and early in our marriage, Steve and I talked for hours, sometimes late into the night. As the years passed, however, he backed off. When we did talk, we ended up arguing, or it seemed he kept conversations superficial. I often wondered, Why doesn't he talk to me anymore?
Then I discovered, through trial and error, that I was engaging in conversation-stoppers such as being a bad listener, a conversation hog, and at times, a nag. So I began a quest to encourage meaningful communication with my husband once again. Here's what I learned.
1. Listening requires zipping my lips.
"Honey, you never tell me how you feel," I repeatedly complained to Steve.
Finally, one day he started to. But as soon as he mentioned his first feeling about a family conflict, I blew it by blurting, "You shouldn't feel that way."
"That's why I don't tell you how I feel," he said.
Conversation aborted.
I once saw a t-shirt that read: "I'm talking, and I can't shut up." I couldn't help but think, That's me.
The apostle James says we need to be "quick to listen, slow to speak" (James 1:19). When I put this advice into practice and don't make quick judgments or think about what I want to say next instead of listening to what he's saying now, Steve opens up more freely.
2. Letting him lead brings us closer.
My dissatisfaction with our communication came not so much from the fact that Steve didn't want to talk, but that he didn't talk about what I wanted to discuss. Often I'd muse mournfully, My girlfriends think what I say is interesting; why doesn't my husband?
He doesn't because he's not one of my girlfriends. Steve just can't get excited over hearing about people he doesn't know or about what happened at my women's Bible study like my girlfriends can.
But I still wanted to talk with him! In Ephesians 5:21, Paul says we're to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." For me, part of that submission means I adopt a "What do you want to talk about?" attitude. For instance, Steve loves sports. While I usually find sports boring, I love people, so I read about athletes and tell Steve about what I've read.
He also enjoys reading the newspaper, so I try to read it as often as I can. We discuss the stories, which often leads to conversations about how they relate to our lives.
I've also learned to let Steve decide when and where he wants to talk. While I crave face-to-face, intimate conversations, often he talks while he's doing tasks around the house or while we're on errands together. I've learned to say "yes" when he asks, "How would you like to help me with the yard work?" or "Will you go with me to the store?" because I know the task will also include conversation.
When I let Steve take the conversation reins, I was amazed to find he talked more, especially about his frustrations. He then felt more comfortable discussing what I want to. When I let Steve choose the topic, I get to know him better and I feel closer to him.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2009, May/June, Vol. 31, Issue 3, Page 27
Related Topics:
Communcation, with Spouse, Male Mind, Marriage
More from Elaine Creasman:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
- Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women
downloadable guides
Sabbath Rest in a World of Stress
Practical insights for how to live a life that honors the spirit of Sabbath-rest.
The Mentoring Series: Nancy Ortberg
Discover leadership principles from a well-known author and respected leader.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating:
Displaying 1–5 of 31 comments
See all comments
Sara
This is exactly what I needed at this very moment. My husband and I left a potential conversation over the lack of a phrase (that he says would have helped him understand that I wanted to talk instead of watching TV). I was uninterested in talking after the "schooling" that I left the room saying I don't feel like talking anymore. I ran around the block, pouting in sorrow and feeling sorry for myself, got on the internet looking for an out and now I am thankful at least he was willing to listen.
Man reader
I know that this is meant for women readers but I must say that there is more truth here than you realize.God Bless the author
Sphiwe
This is absolutely wonderful. I felt my heart sink for shame, because i have always been like that to my husband. May God bless you. This article has made me open my eyes and see what i have been doing wrong to my husband. It is my prayer that God should give me the grace to change my altitude. thank so much my sister in Christ.
Kim
This article helps so much. I was feeling discouraged about the way my husband keeps complaining about talking. I was stuck in our difficult circumstances. Hearing the insight here helps me to take a step back and acknowledge that as a man, he has different communication needs and abilities than I do. I'd been taking this thing about him personally, and harboring unforgiveness in my heart. Thanks for the reminder to repent and to pray for him and us.
Ronda
I want to respond to Question: Jesus led as a friend and a servant. Yes, he was teacher, rabbi, and more. Look closely at the Sermon on the Mount. At the last supper in John. Jesus served. Most people are empowered when they are served in such a way so that their particular giftings are free to be expressed meaningfully. There is no ONE way to communicate. There is the way that needs to be worked out between us -- and that will depend a great deal on who all is "us."
Rate & Comment on this article *