Going Public

7 ways to get real without getting ugly

Caryn Rivadeneira

Average Rating: Not rated

[0 Comment]

There are no previous pages

1 of 4

Last fall I gave my husband an early draft of a marriage article I was working on. After reading it, he said, "Good article. But we seem so happy." I laughed out loud; I knew exactly what he meant.

Truth was, when I was working on that article, we were going through what one might call a bad patch, a negative rut, a rough spell, an icky time, or you know, the throes of a real marriage! Brought on by the combination of little kids, little sleep, little time, and a whole lot of stress and work, we'd spent the better part of that summer snipping and snapping and just generally being disagreeable with—and unpleasant to—each other.

So it came as a shock to my husband to read about himself in such kind, loving language. Not that he didn't appreciate it. But he did wonder if it was right, my perpetuating this image of yet another tra-la-la, happily married Christian couple, when that wasn't necessarily the case, at least not as I wrote it.

While I would've stopped short of calling us unhappily married, let's just say when I heard about another young couple from our church who were splitting up during that time, my reaction wasn't the normal, "How could that happen?" Although it broke my heart and I disagreed with their decision to dissolve their marriage, I understood. Marriage is tough. Even for good Christian couples. Especially for good Christian couples.

Because on top of the usual rigmarole of dealing with life, negotiating relationships, trying to please, getting over hurts, juggling schedules, and managing expectations, Christians have this added burden of "image," right? If our marriages aren't in the right places, not only do we stink at being husbands or wives, we stink at being Christians as well! When Christian marriages flounder or fail, our entire faith is questioned.

Of course, this is ridiculous. Not to say that our "walk" with God is never an issue (we struggle in marriage just like in everything else because we're sinners after all!), but a quick glance at some biblical marriages and you can see that plenty of faithful people had plenty of problems in their marriage or (ahem) marriages.

So if "righteous" people of the Bible, people whom we know God loved and blessed, had less-than-stellar marriages, why do we feel the need to pretend, to perpetuate the image of the happy-all-the-time marriage? Why must we stifle the rough parts—while we're going through them? Why is it so difficult—or so wrong—to say, "I'm committed, but right now it's tough and heading for those hills doesn't sound half-bad"?

I can't help but think this reality-shot would go a long way in ministering to others because we'd show a picture of what working at a marriage and honoring vows looks like.

Of course, the biggest danger of unmasking your marriage is falling into trash-talking your marriage. That never helps anyone. So how can we be real without dishonoring our spouses and ruining their reputations? I've got a few ideas that may work:

next page... |

There are no previous pages

1 of 4

Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2008, Fall, Page 30

More from Caryn Rivadeneira:
Kyria.com | Books

Join the Kyria.com Community!

Become a member to have access to the following:

Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women