Do You See Me?
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I slammed the pan on the counter and watched droplets of spaghetti sauce splash bright red stains on my new white shirt.
"That's just great." I bit my lip and grabbed a paper towel.
Ron slipped out of the recliner and stared at the mess. "Do you need some help?"
Guilt tapped me on the shoulder and kicked my hide your true feelings so you can be a great Christian wife response into high gear. I was exhausted and didn't want to cook or be the good wife. I took a deep breath as my eyes darted from Ron to the floor.
I bit my lip again. "No, I'm fine. I'm just tired and the pan got away from me. Go rest and I'll have this cleaned up in a few minutes."
"Are you sure?"
I had to turn away to hide my ugly feelings. Please, God, please don't let him ask questions. "Yes, I'm sure. Go rest."
A sore tongue and sweet responses didn't change the war that raged in my head. It's never easy to admit that I want to be selfish. There are times I want recognition. I want to be noticed. There are times when I crave a thank-you or a pat on the back. I plated our food and wondered, Do you see me? Do you see the way I sacrifice my feelings to take care of you?
Hiding Emotions
Ron is an excellent husband and is often super-sweet. Even a great spouse can miss clues. Even a great marriage can harbor an individual who feels neglected or unappreciated. I'm sure I miss other people's cues as well. When I'm busy it's hard for me to pay attention to every little cue from my family or my friends.
It doesn't help the do-you-see-me syndrome that Ron believes me even when I misrepresent myself. If I insist that I'm okay, he will walk away. That makes me crazy! He doesn't hide his feelings and I do. The fact that I sacrifice even when I'm miserable causes me to feel like a victim and makes his inability to see me even worse.
I hate arguments and strive to be logical when dealing with my own emotions. I have goals (I rationalize). I want to support my family. Sometimes that means I take the high road and don't require my family to notice my unselfish deeds. Unfortunately, unresolved emotions eventually burst through a dam of hurt. Raging emotions can destroy relationships.
Like many men, Ron works a demanding schedule. The decision for me to stay home with the kids makes me feel guilty. I've had time to enjoy our children when Ron couldn't. I want to honor his sacrifice by making home his personal sanctuary.
Don't get me wrong. Being a mother will push you to the limit and rub your last nerve until you run around the perimeter of your house screaming at God for more patience. (That's another story.) Still, I believe a stay-at-home mother has advantages and personal time that people who work outside the home don't have.
The desire to sacrifice 100 percent of me to serve my family isn't realistic. It's caused a war of wills between my faith and my selfish nature. Anyone who tries to serve 24/7 will eventually deplete their patience reserve. No matter how much you pray or how you value unselfishness, at some point you will need to be noticed. When the ugly feeling that you are invisible rises, the desire for validation explodes into a do-you-even-see-me tirade.
Related Topics:
Appreciation, Marriage, Lessons, Service
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Laura
Wow. I must have been reading a different article. I took this as one moment in a thirty six year marriage that the author wrestled with emotions based on what she normally embraced as an honor ... to serve her husband and family. Isn't feeling over looked or under appreciated something that we all feel at one time or another? I believe the author's point was that all of us have moments where resentment or misunderstanding can set in if we don't communicate our feelings with one another. She was vulnerable enough to share how difficult that was for her, but in the end she expressed her feelings to her husband. I applaud Kyria for their choice and have always appreciated the insight this particular author has shared.
hk
I also agree with the others who point out that serving others does not mean being a silent martyr. The author seems to be resentful and serving because she "has to" and because it is the "right" thing to do, not out of love. I am not trying to be critical, but love does not keep a checklist of rights and wrongs in a relationship. Also, if you lie to your husband about your feelings (e.g., "I am fine") how is he supposed to know any different? You are sending him mixed messages by telling him you are "fine" and then later becoming angry and resentful that he doesn't notice that you are not. This simply is not OK in a marriage. We are all human and make mistakes (I make thousands every day) but I do not think that this is the type of message that we should be encouraging Kyria readers.
Ann
I too agree with Rod. While reading this I just could not understand why someone would keep such strong feelings from a spouse. I believe doing that denies them the privilege of truly knowing you and keeps a sense of distant in the relationship. My husband and I see a Christian counselor and she has told us that when you keep feelings from each other it leads to a sense of distance and ultimately a feeling of resentment, which it seems is exactly what you're feeling. I appreciate your desire to serve your family and to support your husband. But I don't think that you acknowledge how hard you work as well. Being a stay at home mom is a very difficult job, especially if your children are small. It's okay to recognize that, step back and take time for yourself. If you want to continue to serve your family well you need to take care of your needs too. Even if that need is just simply expressing what you're feelings to your loving spouse.
Haulwen
In the midst of the "Me, me, me" culture of today, I do appreciate the efforts of the writer of the article to serve her family. However, like Rod, I feel uncomfortable about a mother (or father) being a "silent martyr". Is it right to "pretend" to one's spouse? Had I written this article, my husband would be horrified to discover how selfish he must appear, and his reaction would be: "Why didn't you TELL me?" I'm also concerned about the example of one parent constantly sacrificing for the other, as it could so easily communicate to children the idea that true Christians must always suppress their own happiness for the happiness of others, and it can also breed self-centredness in the person we are making the sacrifices for. Lastly, if we do not let our spouse in on our feelings are we not depriving them of the privilege of making sacrifices for us?
Segun Benson
So inspiring...so mch that it helps to continue with the good works even though its not appreciated but that someday, somehow , somewhere there's a reward for our good deeds since our God is not a wicked God who will not forget our labour of love.Thanks Kyria for this initiative...keep up the good works...it just might be what somebody needs to get his life back. God Bless you real good for being real about our struggles and the practical solution therein.
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