Reality Check

Don't let false assumptions drag your marriage down. Get a fresh start with these six truths

Gary Chapman

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If you're feeling dissatisfied with the love in your marriage, give your life a reality check. It could be you've been buying into these four common myths:

My state of mind is determined by my environment.
People can't change.
When you're in a bad marriage, you'll either have to resign yourself to a life of misery or get out.
Some situations are hopeless.

If you read these four statements with a niggling sense that, yes, these falsehoods have crept into your own thinking, get ready to clear your mind with reality.

Exposing Four Myths

First, your environment certainly affects who you are, but it does not control you. If you believe myth #1, you've got a victim mentality.

The second myth fails to reckon with the reality of human freedom. Your local library is filled with accounts of people who've made radical changes. Consider Charles Colson, the Watergate criminal who later began an international agency to offer prisoners spiritual help. People can and do change—sometimes dramatically.

As for the third myth, why limit your horizons to two devastating alternatives? I've seen couples come to counseling, convinced they'll end up divorced, only to amaze themselves and each other by building love between them again. You're only a prisoner by your own choice; you can dismantle a prison without leaving your spouse.

The fourth myth flies in the face of God's truth, which insists that there is always hope because he is all-powerful.

It's time to throw out the myths and get ready to accept these six positive realities.

Reality 1

I am responsible for my own attitude

Trouble is inevitable, but misery is optional. Sometimes when two people are in a troubled marriage, one curses while the other prays. The difference is attitude.

Focus on how terrible the situation is and it'll get worse. Focus on one positive thing and another will appear. In the darkest night of a troubled marriage, a light always flickers. Zero in on that light and it will eventually flood the room.

Wendy's husband hasn't had a full-time job in three years—not that she's whining about it. "Now that we can't afford cable TV, we've done a lot more talking at night," she says. "We've learned a lot. It's amazing how many things we can do without that everybody else thinks they have to have. It's been a challenge, but we're making the most of it."

Three weeks after I met Wendy, I encountered Lisa, whose husband had been out of work for ten months. Lisa had been frantic with worry the whole time and had reached a point of mental and physical exhaustion. She was certain they'd lose everything. She moaned about having to drop cable TV and not being able to have a second car. She lived on the edge of despair.

Similar problems, completely different attitudes.

A "positive mental attitude" might sound like pop psychology, but the injunction to pursue "the bright side" is as old as Paul's letter to the Philippians: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" (Phil. 4:6-8).

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Winter

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