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[0 Comment]"What do you think?" Leslie was twirling in the middle of our tiny apartment modeling her new dress. We'd been married less than a week.
"It's good," I responded. "Let's go then. I'm starving."
Leslie's reaction was the first indicator that my wife and I didn't speak the same language.
"It's good? That's all you can say?" Leslie asked.
"Is something wrong?" I asked.
"No."
"Let's go."
"I'm going to change."
Five minutes later I heard weeping from the bedroom, where I found Leslie curled up on the bed. Both of us wondered what had just happened. I was bewildered. Leslie was hurt.
It's no surprise that the number-one marriage problem couples report is "a breakdown in communication." But it's a problem that needs to be addressed, since a marriage's success depends on how well partners send and receive messages—and on how well they listen to each other.
Watch Your Pronouns
Think back to English class when the discussion centered on first- and second-person pronouns. Then, when you talk to your spouse, use the first-person pronoun ("I") since the second-person "you" will almost always lead to trouble. Here's why.
When you're upset with your partner or feel you've been wronged, your natural tendency is to attack: "You are so insensitive! Don't you ever think about how I might feel about things?" "You" statements make your partner feel accused, blamed and criticized. And it's highly unlikely he or she will say, "You know, you're exactly right. I really am an insensitive lout." Rather, his or her natural reaction will be to mount a defense: "You are the one who is insensitive. Did you ever consider the pressure I'm under right now?" Exchanging "you" statements is a sure-fire way to spoil an evening.
In contrast, "I" statements dispense clear information and are much more likely to elicit caring concern from your partner. They allow you to express your feeling of being hurt or neglected without judging your mate's behavior. So the next time you feel your mate is ignoring your input, don't level an accusation by using "you." Instead, tear down relational barriers by using the first-person pronoun: "I feel hurt and neglected when you don't ask my opinion."
Use Your Ears
A sage once said the Lord gave us two ears and one mouth and that ratio should tell us something about the importance of listening. We often equate good communication skills with learning to express ourselves more clearly. But 98 percent of good communication involves is listening.
Effective listening can be difficult to learn because in situations where it is needed most, we are usually more focused on what we are going to say next than we are on listening to the message being sent. Consider this typical husband/wife interaction.
Wife: "Look at this. I just got back from the cleaners and there is a gray stain all over this collar. What am I going to do? I planned to wear this dress tonight."
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Fall
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