Marital Drift
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When I was in fourth grade, my teacher made us color a map of the world, cut out each continent and then, like a puzzle, figure out how all seven pieces could have once existed as one solid land mass. It was easy to see how some of them fit together, but others made no sense at all.
After several minutes, my teacher put a map on the wall showing how geologists believe the continents fit together before breaking off and moving apart. According to those who study Continental Drift, the great landmasses are still drifting at a rate of about one inch per year—which doesn't seem like much until you realize how far they are from where they began.
Marital Drift seems as inevitable as the continental variety. A creeping separateness between spouses often begins on the day they return from their honeymoon and sometimes doesn't stop until one or both end up in a counselor's office, a lawyer's office or somebody else's bed. Many believe nothing can be done to prevent Marital Drift. Comments like, "I just don't love her anymore," "We've grown apart," and "I can't imagine what I ever saw in him" are common.
Counseling couples is sometimes as difficult as solving that fourth-grade puzzle. It's hard to see how these two angry, often bitter, people in my office used to fit together in a way that made them want to get married. Most of them weren't aware of the gradual drift, they just know they're a long way from where they started.
Dodge the Drift
Not only am I convinced that drifting can be avoided, I believe the opposite can occur. As the years sail by, you can actually grow closer, more intimate and more deeply in love. But you've got to make it happen.
Take a quick quiz. What were things like when you first fell in love? Wives, when your boyfriend (now husband) picked you up, was he showered, freshly shaven and wearing clean clothes? Did he bring you presents, take you places and treat you with courtesy and honor?
Husbands, did your girlfriend (now wife) care about her appearance? Did she let you know she was happy to see you? Did she appreciate your gifts, do special things for you and treat you with respect?
Did both of you feel that you mattered and know that you were thinking about each other when you were apart (as evidenced by notes and phone calls)? Did you share hopes, dreams, fears and a common vision of a shared future?
This may sound as corny as an Indiana farm, but those small courtesies, simple thrills and optimistic hopes for the future are the forces that draw couples together and help them fall in love. In those intoxicating days of new love, we never dream that Marital Drift could ever affect us.
Then it happens, but we don't recognize the effects until it has left an emotional gulf between us. When couples describe their drift, they usually attribute it to one or both of them changing. That's when I ask: "When did you and your partner quit courting?"
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Summer
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