Keeping Secrets

Just where should couples draw the line between total self-disclosure and a bit of personal privacy?

Tim Gardner

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You've probably got secrets—private, hidden things you do or think when you're alone, or perhaps something that happened a long time ago that you prefer to keep to yourself. But when it comes to the intimacy of your marriage, it's hard to judge whether you need to "tell all" to your mate.

Is it ever okay to keep a secret from your spouse?

For some the answer is an emphatic "no!" They feel that husbands and wives should have no secrets, period. But others wonder, "Why should I share something with my mate that may harm or even destroy our relationship?" They tell themselves that "a secret kept can be better than the consequences of a secret known."

A lot of the couples I see in counseling obviously think keeping secrets is all right. With names changed, here are a few of their secrets.

Bill was afraid to tell his wife that he hated his lucrative job. Knowing she wouldn't support a major career change that would greatly reduce their family's standard of living, he pursued a new job in secret.

Every week Jennifer writes the weekly grocery check for $40 over the total to have extra spending money. Her husband sees the checkbook, not the receipts, and assumes the money is going for groceries.

A woman at Michael's office has been flirting with him. He enjoys the attention and writes it off as innocent fun. He doesn't mention it at home.

Marci doesn't tell her husband that she talks on the phone with her mom every day. He has always considered his mother-in-law overbearing.

Kristin's non-Christian husband gets annoyed when Kristin fills her life with church activities. But she is over at the church two nights a week, when her husband thinks she's visiting her mom.

Belinda has found a lump in her breast and is worried how her husband will accept and support her.

Are these secrets good or bad? How should you determine whether keeping something from your spouse is justifiable? The question of "to tell, or not to tell" can be settled by wrestling with the "why" and "how" reasoning behind keeping a secret.

To Tell or Not to Tell

If you've got a secret, the "why" question is, "Why are you keeping this knowledge from your spouse?" Do you honestly believe what you're doing is best for both of you? Or are you just scared of what might happen if the secret comes out?

Then follow the "why" question with a "how" question: "How is your marriage enhanced and intimacy promoted by keeping this secret?" By keeping the secret are you sincerely seeking the highest and best good of God's great gift of marriage?

It's pretty tough for a secret to survive these two questions. Most of us will find we're keeping the secret because we fear being rejected by the ones we love. We all have a need for relationships in which we are accepted without judgment, relationships in which we matter to someone. In marriage, it's normal to long for acceptance and love—and fear being condemned and left behind.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Spring

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