When Silence Is Golden

Six times when it's best not to say a word

By Les and Leslie Parrott

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Stop talking. We mean it.

Having a tug-of-war with your partner about where to go on your next date? Whether to relocate for a new job opportunity? How to discipline your kids? Ask anyone with an opinion and they'll tell you the same thing: "You've got to talk it through."

Yes, there are times to talk. But there are times when conversation isn't necessary, and is even hurtful. There can be power and wisdom in not talking—in biding your time, walking away, or simply shutting up and getting on with things.

So try not talking during these times:

1. When one of you isn't ready

Wife: "We need to figure out how we're going to handle childcare for Thursday night."

Husband (while balancing the checkbook): "What?"

Wife: "Sara can't watch the kids, but Amy can. But the boys are never well behaved when Amy watches them. Don't you think we should pass on Amy?"

Husband (eyes still on the checkbook): "Umm, what's this about now? Amy who?"

Wife: "Sarah can't watch the kids."

Husband (making eye contact): "When?"

Wife: "Why don't you ever listen to me?"

He may not be listening because you're talking when he isn't ready. I (Leslie) have learned and relearned the price of this mistake. I can't count the times I've tried to converse with Les when he was in the middle of a task, and I ended up getting my feelings hurt. So take it from me, if you have something on your mind and your partner isn't ready to discuss it, clam up. Let him or her know you want to talk. Say something such as, "I need to talk to you about childcare when you're ready. Will you have some time before dinner?" That's all it takes to make sure your partner's mind is in a receptive place.

2. When you've said it a million times

If you've been telling him for eight years not to put his jacket on the back of the dining room chair, or you've been suggesting ways to curb her tardiness since your honeymoon, it might be time to take a permanent break from the conversation. Spewing endless critiques or advice in a vain attempt to change your partner isn't going to provide the solution.

This isn't about giving up. This is about nagging. If you've asked, cajoled, threatened, and analyzed your man on the subject of not hanging his coat in the closet, and he never does, you have some options: (a) you decide to hang it for him and say no more about it; (b) you leave it there and say nothing; or (c) button your lip and pray about it.

The bottom line is that you need to give up the conversations you keep having over and over and over. They'll grind both of you down.

3. When you need time to think

Recently, we were talking with a friend who works as a management consultant. He told us that "power stalling" is common practice in every company, and he asked if we used it in our marriage work. We were intrigued.

"On the job," he said, "if someone runs a new idea past me in the hall, I say, 'That's interesting. Let me think about it.' But somehow if my wife runs one past me, I'm apt to snap, 'No, I don't like that.' It's as though I become a five year old at home."

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2005, Spring, Page 30

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