Disturbing the Peace

Is your bad mood bad for your marriage?

Marsha Crockett

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Exhausted, I rolled out of bed after a rough night. Our oldest daughter had battled the stomach flu into the wee hours of the morning.

Thinking a cup of coffee with my favorite French vanilla cream might salvage the day ahead, I opened the refrigerator and looked for the familiar carton. Soon I was frantically rummaging around behind jars, bowls and cartons. No cream. The closest I came was an expired container of cream cheese that most likely harbored an entire civilization of mold colonies.

I settled for a cup of instant flavored coffee, but was in no mood to "celebrate the moments of my life." Just as I took a sip, my husband, John, bounced into the kitchen. Showered, clean-shaven and chipper, he asked, "What's for breakfast?"

I felt like saying, "How about a bagel with cream cheese?" It would serve him right for having slept soundly all night. Instead, I shrugged and grunted, "Whatever." He poured himself a bowl of cereal.

"Would you mind picking up a can of paint at Home Depot today so I can finish the gate tonight?" he asked with a smile.

Didn't he know I like going to Home Depot about as much as he likes going to craft boutiques? Didn't he know our daughter was sick and I'd be stuck at home all day? Maybe I was just too tired to deal with it, but I started crying. His smile disappeared.

"Never mind. I'll do it," he said quietly. Then he added, "Sorry you're having a bad day."

A sick child, no French vanilla cream and a trip to the hardware store aren't the only culprits that steal the good from my mood. Sometimes it creeps in after eating too much junk food or suffering a disappointment at work. It could be overcommitment at church, paying bills or just plain boredom. Bad moods are as likely to attack men as they are to bite women. And our bad moods, if left unchecked, can damage relationships. So how do you keep a sour mood, whether it's yours or your spouse's, from ruining your marriage?

Managing a Bad Mood

For many of us, the natural response to a bad mood is to retreat. But according to Robert E. Thayer, a California psychology professor, isolation is the least effective way to beat a bad mood. I've had my share of experiences with bad moods, and here are a few tips I've picked up after 15 years of marriage.

Get to the root of the problem. When I'm in a bad mood and my husband asks, "What's wrong?" I answer with the ever-insightful lie, "Nothing." That's because, if truth be told, I sometimes want to wallow in my bad mood.

The Apostle Paul offers some great advice about dealing with bad moods in Colossians 3:8-10: "But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator."

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Fall

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