He Said, She Said

Let's do things as a family."

Nancy Moser

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Mark's Side

When I was growing up, my dad worked twelve hours a day, six days a week, and my mother's job often required travel. When they were home, they didn't have time to go to many of my swim meets or other functions, and family vacations were short and few. I admired their hard work, but I missed their attention.

Fortunately, things changed when I was a teenager. My parents bought a boat, and suddenly the family was spending time together. The memories of those weekends are special.

I've lived both sides of the family-time issue and I know which side is better. I'm convinced that the purpose of a family is to be together. My wife is my best friend and my three kids follow close behind. Best friends are supposed to spend time together, so I decided that we'd do as many things as possible as a family.

Doing things together always felt right, but splitting up seemed traitorous, almost selfish. Even though some gender division is natural, it bothered me that I usually ended up with our son, Carson, and Nancy ended up with the girls. The desire to spend more time with our daughters reinforced my stand on doing things together.

But with each passing year our forced togetherness caused more tension. Our kids became adept at voicing their opinions. Yet the realization that they didn't want to be with us as much as we wanted to be with them was hard to accept.

Nancy's Side

When our kids were little, living life en masse was a necessity. Where we went, they went. They watched me perform in musical theater and saw Mark play softball. They were shown some of life's options—the options we had chosen for our lives.

But eventually the kids started having opinions about where they wanted to go and what they wanted to do. One of the most exciting things about watching them grow up is seeing how different they are. I never encouraged Emily to be a great organizer, or forced Carson to play baseball, or insisted that Laurel like Victorian costumes.

But Mark often ignored their preferences and said, "We're going. Together." It was five or nothing. When he forced the issue, the results were often less than pleasant. We ended up snapping at each other and I'd be exhausted.

Mark also tended to plan outings that involved his favorite pastimes, such as going to baseball games. Our daughters and I would rather go to the dentist than watch baseball; and Mark wasn't thrilled about attending concerts and theater productions.

I realize people often need to go places and do things they aren't excited about—otherwise how would we ever experience new things? But there had to be a better way. I felt Mark was trying to force all of us into the same mold, and I resented it. In trying to do things together we were pulling our family apart.

What Mark and Nancy Did

As the kids grew older, it was often impossible for all five of the Mosers to synchronize their schedules. Nancy didn't mind, since it reinforced her preferences. It was Mark who felt the brunt of it. His loss of control made him frustrated and resentful, which caused more conflict.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Summer

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