Great Expectations

It's fine to have them—as long as they are grounded in reality

Tim Gardner

Average Rating:

[0 Comment]

There are no previous pages

1 of 4

I never expected this. Mark just isn't the man I married." "Joan" sat expressionless as she stoically described her relationship.

"While we were dating, he was everything I wanted. He was fun, caring. We could talk for hours. Now he works late every day and gets home just in time to play with our daughter a few minutes before her bedtime. Then he watches TV. He never takes me out, never helps around the house, and only touches me when he wants sex (which we haven't had for six months). I don't love him anymore. I want out."

It's an unhappy story, but a familiar one. Couples who once stood before God promising "Till death do us part" now sit in a counselor's office, complaining that their mate "isn't doing their part." The passions once fueled by visions of "happily ever after" are gradually extinguished with each failed expectation. Eventually, one of them decides, "Since my spouse can't, or won't, meet my needs, I'll just move on to someone who will."

Call it what you want—disappointment, disillusionment or despair—failed expectations can bring partners to the point of wanting to chuck it all. And it raises a serious question: Why doesn't marriage fulfill all our dreams?

Dream a Littler Dream?

Like many unhappy spouses, Joan had legitimate concerns—she should be getting more attention from her husband. But her greater problem was that her expectations of marriage were unrealistic. Ironically, the overwhelming popularity of marriage may in some ways explain the high level of marital breakdown.

It's nonsense to say that God's gift of marriage is great, but, 'Hey don't expect too much.'

"The higher the expectations of marriage … the greater the number of divorces," writes Margaret Talbot in The New Republic. It is this "quest for an ideal marriage" that has, in her opinion, made divorce more acceptable. In other words, if your marriage isn't everything you expected, you should get a divorce and try, try again.

But what about those of us who reject divorce as a viable solution to a dissatisfying marriage? Should we simply lower our standards and resign ourselves to live in an unhappy marriage? No, we shouldn't. It's nonsense to say that God's gift of marriage is great, but, "Hey, don't expect too much." As followers of Christ, we shouldn't settle for bad or even mediocre marriages. We need exceedingly high aspirations.

So what are we missing? The article in The New Republic talked about the problem of unfulfilled expectations as if all expectations have equal merit. That's a fallacy. There are certain expectations that marriage and a spouse can never fulfill. Those are the dangerous ones.

"The belief in a happily-ever-after marriage is one of the most widely held, destructive marriage myths. But it's only the tip of the marital-myth iceberg," say Les and Leslie Parrott, directors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. "Every difficult marriage is plagued by misconceptions about what marriage should be."

next page... |

There are no previous pages

1 of 4

Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Spring

More from Tim Gardner:
Kyria.com | Books

Join the Kyria.com Community!

Become a member to have access to the following:

Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women