Talking to Yourself

It's not a sign you're losing your mind, but a means to a better marriage.

Les and Leslie Parrott

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One of the world's longest marriages was celebrated recently. Lee Hoon-yo and Kim Bong-geum from South Korea celebrated their 82nd wedding anniversary. On their anniversary, the couple was given special gifts, including 182 roses … and hearing aids.

After more than eight decades of marriage they were getting hearing aids! Guess they still wanted to be sure they wouldn't miss a word. Can you imagine the number of conversations this couple has had? In all that time, they must have touched on every conceivable topic a husband and wife could discuss.

But this amazing marriage got us thinking. Were Lee and Kim aware of the private dialogue they engaged in daily? Few couples are. Yet it's the most important discussion you ever have. Its words linger longer, are felt more deeply, and determine the closeness or distance you feel.

As much as 77 percent of the average person's self-talk is negative. Imagine the impact this has on marriage.

We're talking about the conversation you have with yourself—your relational self-talk.

The surprising things you say to yourself

Each of us holds an unending internal dialogue, which colors every experience in marriage. Self-talk occurs without prior reflection or reasoning. Our brain instantly sees it as plausible and valid, even when it's not. While these thoughts are rarely noticed, they continually shape our attitudes, actions, and outlook.

Imagine you slip a microchip into a computer and it tabulates everything you've thought about your spouse and your marriage.

Now imagine you and your partner sitting down to study it. What would you find?

First, you'd almost certainly be surprised by what you heard. You might find, for example, that you're giving your partner internal compliments he or she never hears. I love it when she wears that dress. He's brilliant with the kids. But you may also be shocked by how much negative commentary you quietly grumble. He cares more about his car than me. She's so careless with our money. This kind of self-talk sets up impossible standards and then tears down your spouse for not meeting them. In fact, according to some experts, as much as 77 percent of the average person's self-talk is negative. One negative thought can kill dozens of positive ones if it's expressed at the wrong moment. Imagine the impact this has on a marriage—how it ultimately hinders your connection with each other. That's why it's particularly valuable to monitor your inner voice in situations that elicit a negative tone.

Our friend Donna confessed this story to us. It was Friday night and Donna wanted her husband, Tim, to suggest a fun restaurant for dinner. After all, she thought, we've both had a tough week at work. He'll realize I shouldn't make dinner tonight. We can take it easy and relax together. "But I didn't say anything to him," Donna admitted, "because I thought, He should initiate it. He should know." Tim obviously didn't know because he didn't suggest going out to eat. So Donna angrily heated some leftovers, while she thought, He only thinks about himself. He doesn't care about me.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Fall

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