Loaded Question

Asking it could make your marriage dynamite!

Eva Marie Everson

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With one question I opened Pandora's Box.

"What, if anything," I asked my husband, "could I change about me to make you happier?"

It wasn't that we were unhappy or that I perceived he was unhappy. But after nearly 25 years together, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that while we may adjust to certain "things" about our spouses, we'd be happier if those things could change.

Hubby cut a sideward glance at me. "What?"

I smiled lovingly as I repeated the question. Surely, I thought, this isn't too difficult a question to answer.

"You're kidding me, right?"

"No," I replied. "I'm serious."

He thought for a few moments. "Nothing."

I frowned. "Are you lying?"

"Yes."

"I'm serious. It has to be something changeable, though. Just name one thing—"

"Just one?" He looked at me then, the twinkle in his eyes indicating there are a host of things he'd like to see changed. Ah, the truth comes out.

"One," I affirmed.

"Okay," he said. "I'm sick of seeing you wear those overall shorts every day."

My cute little overalls? I thought. Perfect for sitting at the computer and typing all day? "And with what, pray tell, shall I replace them? I'm not comfortable sitting in jeans all day," I argued. "Surely you don't expect me to dress as though I'm heading for a downtown office."

"No. Just something besides those overalls."

I huffed. I loved my overalls! Still, I had asked—and this was something that was changeable. Suddenly I brightened. "This calls for shopping!" I declared.

It also called for compromise. I offered a simple solution:

I would wear the overall shorts while working (I own several pair, by the way), but would change into something a little more "fetching" when my husband returned home from work.

A few weeks later, I discovered an ironic thing had taken place. Previously, when my husband returned home from work, he'd take a shower and slip into something just perfect for bumming around. But with my change came his change; he became more attentive to his appearance for me. Rather than putting on some old shorts and a holey t-shirt, he put on a sports shirt and a pair of his dress shorts I'd pressed and hung in his closet. We've become quite the fashion statement in the privacy of our home, reminiscent of the days when we'd dated and were attempting to impress each other. And we found our marriage heading toward a new level—a better level—a level of mutual compromise and greater intimacy.

And all it took was a change of clothes!

Issuing the challenge

Several weeks later, while dining with some of our couple friends, my husband and I mentioned the question I'd asked and the changes that had come about. One couple, Ron and Dana, looked at each other with mischief in their eyes. "Honey," Ron said to his wife, "what would you like to see changed?"

"It has to be changeable," I interjected, excited to see another couple getting into the swing of things. "It can't be something like his mother, the color of his eyes, or his height. Nothing like that."

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Summer

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