Now & Forever: Lovers' Quarrels

What you fight about now won't even create a stir in a few years. Guess what will take its place?

Scott M. Stanley

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It's not news that couples argue. But have you ever had the same argument with maddening regularity for more than a decade?

Jeff and Marcia can't remember a time when they didn't have at least one big fight every month—almost always about money. Their most recent shouting match began after Jeff looked through the mail and noticed the balance on their credit card. He blamed his wife for overspending, since she makes more purchases than he does. Marcia accused Jeff of wasting money on his computer and stereo hobbies. After 11 years of marriage, they still don't agree on how to manage their money.

No matter how long you've been married or what you argue about, there are ways to use your disagreements to build a healthier marriage. For starters, it helps to understand the source of your conflict. And, research shows, what couples argue about and the intensity of their disagreements change over the course of marriage.

Early Years

Fighting the "Foes Without"
Alicia and Joe are newlyweds who argue repeatedly—and heatedly—about her family. Recently, just as they were leaving for a movie, Alicia's mother called. The conversation dragged on as Alicia and her mother discussed how they could get Alicia's father to go to the doctor for a checkup. Joe repeatedly pointed to his watch, mouthing the words, "It's time to go. We're going to be late!" Alicia looked away, thinking, "It would be rude to tell Mom I have to hang up when she's so worried about Dad."

She finally got off the phone, but they didn't go to the movie. Instead, they spent the night fighting.

For Joe, this was just one more example of Alicia putting her family ahead of him. In Alicia's mind, their argument confirmed that Joe hated her parents. They are no different than many couples who, early in marriage, argue most frequently about in-laws. For other couples, most arguments center around ties to old friends, especially old flames. Arguments rooted in jealousy are common at this stage.

Disagreements like Alicia's and Joe's reflect a crucial task facing couples in the first few years of marriage—developing an identity as a couple. In part, couples have to define "who is in" and "who is out" of their relationship. Joe feels Alicia's parents are way too "in" their marriage, and he resents it.

After newlyweds define who they are as a couple, they next must face a long list of decisions about how roles and duties will be divided up. This is a challenging task that requires honest communication so a couple can work together on the best solutions. The couples who come out of this stage the strongest are the ones who develop a clear and stable sense of "us" so they can approach life as a team.

Something as seemingly minor as dinnertime tested Paula and Doug's ability to work as a team. Early in their marriage, they had a number of dinnertime disagreements. Paula's mother worked outside the home and often wasn't home for dinner. Her stepfather prepared a meal for her and her brother on the nights when her mom was gone. Doug's mother, in contrast, almost always made dinner for him and his siblings. He came into marriage expecting that Paula would do likewise. Paula, however, expected Doug to pitch in and help.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1996, Winter

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