Mad About You!
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[0 Comment]Steve and Karen had been married two years, and both expressed love for each other and a commitment to their marriage. When they came to us for counseling, it didn't take long for one of their core concerns to emerge: Steve struggled with anger.
"I can go for a while and it doesn't bother me," he said. "Then all of a sudden I lose my temper and say things I'm sorry for later. I'm not the only one in my family with an anger problem. My father, a wonderful Christian, has a reputation for being hot-headed. He doesn't get angry often, but when he does, watch out."
After a brief pause Steve continued. "I didn't realize my anger was so bad until Karen and I got married." He then began to relate an all-too-common story of little hurts and frustrations that built and exploded into painful expressions of unhealthy anger that wounded the person he loved most. We explained to Steve and Karen that marriage probably generates more anger than they'll experience in any other relationship. When two people live together with a commitment to increasing closeness, vulnerability, and intimacy, the potential for fear, hurt, frustration, and misunderstanding is enormous. So is the potential for anger.
Steve slumped in his seat and asked, "Is there any way I can get rid of my anger?" Our response caught him by surprise. "Steve, the problem isn't anger. The problem is that you don't understand your anger and haven't learned how to cultivate healthy anger." He immediately responded, "Healthy anger? You've got to be kidding me! I've heard anger referred to in many ways but never as healthy."
In our experience most people tend to view anger only as a problem, something negative, something to be avoided. Of all the various emotions, why does anger have such a bad reputation? Is it possible for the energy of this "enemy" to be constructively redirected? In what ways can anger be considered a gift rather than a time bomb?
In my (Gary's) more than 25 years as a counselor, I've spent hundreds of hours with people stymied in their effort to grow and understand the God-given emotion of anger. Instead of naming the emotion and facing it squarely as a fact of life, they try to sit on it, shut it out, and silence it.
It's important to develop a plan for dealing with anger before you become angry. Here are some simple steps to help your anger work for your marriage.
Step 1: Be aware of it
If you'd met Steve at church you would not have considered him an angry person. He rarely appears angry. One of the many myths regarding anger is that if a person doesn't look angry, then he or she doesn't have a problem with anger. While Steve doesn't appear to be an angry person on the outside, he can be like a battlefield on the inside. When he feels misunderstood by Karen, or when she contradicts him in public, his anger is right there.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Spring
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