4 Communication Firecrackers

And how to avoid them.

By H. Kent Hughes

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Late one fall evening while my sons and some neighborhood boys were busy burning leaves, a creative idea flashed into my sometimes-immature male mind: Why not throw firecrackers into the fire to see what happens?

I went into the house, found our unused Fourth of July firecrackers, filled my pockets, and nonchalantly walked back outside.

The boys were throwing acorns into the fire and watching them explode. As they'd turn away to find more acorns, I'd slip a firecracker into the fire.

Of course, it made a much better explosion than the acorns. The boys thought the acorns were creating the spectacle, which only motivated them to scour the ground for more acorns. As the fire intensified with each explosion, I had fun watching the boys' reactions.

I admit it wasn't a smart parental move. (My wife was not pleased.) But later as I was thinking about the scenario, I realized there's a connection between those firecrackers and marriage—one I see happen with dozens of couples in my work as a counselor.

Many couples argue like that burning leaf pile. There's a conflict (fire) between them. Then they throw in some communication firecrackers, which serve only to spread and intensify the conflict by putting their spouse on the defensive.

Firecracker #1: Threats

John and Sara were blending two families and had established certain rules for the children. One rule was that food and drink must stay out of the living room.

One day Sara came home from work to find John and his son drinking sodas as they put together a desk in the living room. Sara was infuriated. She yelled, "If you can't respect me instead of favoring your kids, then I want out."

In the heat of a discussion, one or both partners may say, "If you ever … then I'll …" (fill in the blanks). Or maybe one will say, "Don't you ever say (or do) that again or I'll leave (or divorce) you." We rarely resolve anything when one or both partners act out of a threatening posture.

Better Choice:Sara would have had better success by pulling John aside and simply asking for clarification. Did he forget? Did he change his mind? She could then follow up with a concise feeling statement such as, "I felt betrayed when I saw you in the room drinking after we'd decided not to. Is that what you meant to communicate?" Then she would have discovered John simply forgot their conversation and was caught up in the moment working with his son.

Instead of threats, a preferable approach is inquiry. Genuinely seeking to understand what the other person is feeling or doing, and why, is a great way to de-escalate an argument.

Firecracker #2: Name Calling

Jennifer and Kyle were locked in an ongoing argument about money. Kyle was upset over the excessive amounts Jennifer spent on the children.

Late one night as the discussion was escalating, Kyle said, "You're just like your mother. She spoiled you, and now you're spoiling our kids."

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2006, Fall, Page 42

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