The Love Connection
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My three-year-old daughter, Madison, is insistently squawking at her older brother, "M-a-a-a-t-t, SHARE!!!" "Mo-o-om!" Matt yells, only to be drowned out by their twin baby sisters' screeching. Where am I in the midst of this chaos? I'm sitting dreamily in front of my computer, smiling while typing away.
I'm having an "online" romance with the man of my dreams, Bobby—the man I married 12 years and 4 children ago. It started after we rented the video You've Got Mail, starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. It was so romantic to watch their characters' online relationship blossom into love because of their deep friendship.
Rather sheepishly, I asked my husband that night if he'd be a sport and start an "online" romance with me. He smiled and said, "You're kidding, right?" My look must have said it all, because that night, he was the first to write!
Not actually having e-mail, Bobby did the next best thing—he created a file labeled "You've Got Mail" to add to from our home computer.
As he typed, I meandered in. "Out!" he shouted, eyes sparkling. Ooh, I thought, this could be even more fun than I imagined.
My husband finally left the computer, and I slid into the still-warm seat and opened the file. I smiled when I saw four brewing coffeepots pictured on the screen. I excitedly began to read: "I like coffee right after I eat. It makes the meal taste better. Sometimes I wish life simply consisted of drinking coffee and eating dessert at an outdoor restaurant."
How cool to read Bobby's thoughts! I knew right then, after reading just one paragraph, that we'd discovered a jewel.
Soon we were both hooked. Each day we'd rush to the computer to check our "mail." I found myself thinking, My husband's really neat. What a change from the usual, How could he forget to take out the trash?
More than a year later, we're still writing regularly—and I still anticipate what he has to say!
Resolving minor conflicts over the computer is also a godsend. I write to Bobby as a friend, not as the enemy I sometimes think he is when there's a conflict. I briefly state how I'm feeling about a particular issue, then ask for his thoughts. It's worked well most of the time. Occasionally he's conveniently forgotten to respond to the issue. I then teasingly bring it up again in my next message. He always responds the second time, even if it's just "I need more time to think about that one." One thing I've never done is let him have it—not because I've never felt like it, but because it would hurt this avenue of romance. I'm not willing to give that up. Instead I simply ask for his opinion. He gives it and we move on.
We've also become better listeners. I have a bad habit of hearing just one sentence, then forming my rebuttal while my husband finishes his point. That's great for a debate team, terrible for a marriage! But a discussion over the computer is perfect. I can focus fully on my husband's message before typing in my reply. Being able to read his perspective draws me to him, so my response is kinder than it would be face-to-face.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2000, November/December, Vol. 22, Issue 6, Page 50
Related Topics:
Communication, Conflict, Conflict resolution, Marriage, Romance
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Karen Hiner
This is a great idea. However, I think some readers missed the point that the conversation took place in a word processing document on the computer, and was NEVER on the Internet or in actual e-mail. E-mails of this nature could get people in trouble at work, etc.
Shea
We have discovered this same benefit from text messaging. I can send my husband a flirty message from work, and he can read it when he takes his lunch break or vica versa. He even asked me for a "date" via text message in the middle of the day. The date was to watch our favorite show that night at 9:00 after we put the kids to bed. I was giddy at work when I received the message and looked forward all day to 9:00 that night when we would have our "date." It added a lot of spice to watching our regular Thursday night program!
samie joe
I am to a point that I am giddy and at the same time pestimistic. This sounds like soooooo much fun and after 16 years of marriage (ups and seems like more downs, right now) I am desperately looking for something to help. Never before have I considered the "D" word, thou I have come to a point that I have to keep reminding myself "IT" won't help. "IT" just makes things worse. I'm going to try this and keep asking God to carry me through and keep showing me the note book.
Nikki Lynn
After reading this article, I couldn't help but want to write my hubby an email! I love him very much and although we tell each other this often, it would be nice to know every little bit of him. And sometimes that is hard when you have three beautiful children to tend to. Thank you so much for making ME want to start that online romance with my best friend too! God bless!
rhonda
this is a great idea... kinda like having an affair within your marriage! i think i will start this with my hubby.
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