When Humor Hurts

How to keep laughing without poisoning your marriage

Robert H. and Jeanette C. Lauer

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The first thing that attracted Kevin to Brooke was his sense of humor. Kevin was a pharmaceutical salesman who came regularly to the doctor's office where Brooke worked as a receptionist. "He cracked me up every time he came in," she told us. Romance blossomed between the two and within a year they married. But by their first anniversary, the marriage was in trouble. Brooke was angry and unhappy. "Kevin never takes anything seriously," she complained. "If I try to talk to him about important things—like buying a house or having children—all I get are his silly wisecracks."

Kevin and Brooke found out that humor is a two-edged sword. Humor can add zest to your marriage. It can make you more accepting of your mate, defuse difficult situations, and enhance your life together. However, misused humor has brought more than one marriage to the brink of disaster. So how do you keep humor alive and well in your marriage without misusing it? Here are some ideas.

1. Don't use humor to avoid dealing with difficult relational issues. Kevin turned most serious discussions into jokes. For instance, their first serious discussion about having a baby wound up with Kevin doing a stand-up routine about a pregnant Brooke. She told us: "He stuffed a pillow under his shirt and waddled around the room. He really was funny and I admit that he made me laugh. But that's the way it goes every time I bring up the issue—Kevin turns the discussion into a joke. The difference now is that I usually end up in tears."

2. Don't use humor to avoid talking about your personal pain and struggles. One man, Hank, was often stressed and frustrated by conditions at work. Even though this was evident to his wife, Sheila, he refused to discuss his frustrations. When she asked him what was wrong, he would dismiss her concerns with a laugh: "Don't you have enough problems without taking on mine? I think you must have a problem deficiency!" Unfortunately, his attempts at humor did nothing to relieve Sheila's concerns or to lessen his frustrations. Instead, it created a barrier between them. Sheila realized that you can't be intimate with someone who is a mystery to you. "When Hank laughs off his pain and frustration, I feel left out. And that's not the kind of marriage I want."

3. Don't get mired in sarcasm. "When you first meet Nan," Steve said, "you think that she is the funniest person alive. She has a running commentary on everything and everybody. But let me tell you, after five-and-a-half years of marriage, I'm tired of her acid humor." No one seemed to escape Nan's sarcasm. Her caustic comments covered the waterfront, from her mother-in-law's cooking ("the smell of that garbage truck reminds me of your mother's stew") to her pastor's efforts ("that was certainly a forgettable sermon").

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2000, Winter

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