Journey Into the Male Mind

A quick-and-easy roadmap to understanding your mate.

Ted and Gretchen Harro

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If you're like many women between the ages of 20 and say, 90, you regularly find things about men that perplex and exasperate you. While you may know the apostle Paul challenges us to "be patient, bearing with one another in love" (Ephesians 4:2), Paul doesn't live in your house with that man.

Through 15 years of marriage, we've had our share of vexing moments. More than once, one of us (who shall remain nameless) obsessed about a televised sporting event while the other asked a simple question about home décor. This led to less-than-constructive "interchanges" about the relative merits of spectator sports and "real life." These events—and others involving more volatile topics such as sex, career decisions, and parenting—only highlight the differences between men and women.

So as co-leaders of a church group designed for newly married couples, we decided to informally survey the women in our ministry. We asked them to tell us what puzzled them, frustrated them, and confused them about their husband.

A MAN OFTEN FEELS AS THOUGH "THE RULES" ARE SO MYSTERIOUS THAT HE WANTS TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND HIDE.

Their answers are best summed up in three seeming mysteries:

Adventure and challenge: What's so important about sports and competition? Why does he watch them on TV so much?

Communication and closeness: Why doesn't he talk to me more? Why does he forget what we talked about last night?

Sex and intimacy: Why's he so interested in sex? And how can he expect it after paying more attention to his favorite team than to me?

The key to solving these puzzles is to understand what your man really wants. Now please don't drop this magazine as you double over laughing, thinking men only want one thing. Give them a bit more credit! Most men actually desire three key things; while these three aren't universal, you may find them useful conversation-starters with your spouse.

Adventure and Challenge

WHAT HE WANTS:to show you he's strong and capable. Most men don't fantasize about settling down, nesting with their kids, and spending their life in the safety of their suburban home. Rather, men dream of proving themselves as strong and capable. In his insightful book Wild at Heart, John Eldredge asserts that men dream of three things in their life: a battle to fight, an adventure to pursue, and a beauty to rescue. Beneath the surface, most men ask, Do I have what it takes?

So when men engage in a competitive activity, they're often captured by the challenge to prove themselves up to the task. Even when they watch sports events, they often put themselves into the athletes' shoes and wonder if they have what it takes to handle the scenario on the field.

In this challenging economic environment, men frequently ask themselves The Question with regard to work. Getting a good raise, promotion—or these days, just keeping a job—hit at the heart of the "Do I have what it takes?" question. He's often tempted to do what it takes to prove that he has what it takes, even if that involves sacrificing personal time or family agendas.

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Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2005, May/June, Vol. 27, Issue 3, Page 42

Related Topics:
Adventure, Communication, Male Mind, Men, Men's Desires, sex

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