What We Need
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I grew up believing, like most females bred on 20th-century evangelical Christianity, that women naturally love their husbands. It's preached from pulpits, written in bestselling books, and seems to be a convenient explanation for Ephesians 5:21-33, that mini-manifesto on marriage: "Women are commanded to respect, not love, because God made women to love, and loving comes naturally to them."
Well, with a whopping nine years of marriage under my belt, I've unearthed two rather inconvenient truths.
The first is that, despite my womanhood, I am not a naturally loving person. I act with impatience, stonewalled silence, and selfishness just as quickly as a man. I wish I naturally unconditionally loved my husband, Dale, but I do not. Perhaps I could fool myself into thinking that moments of nurture, sensitivity, and compassion, the sweet notes, anniversary surprises, and home-cooked meals prove otherwise, but really now! Love is more vigorous and hearty than romance and sweetness. Love takes the harder road, a more personalized approach than the one-size-fits-all technique that assumes sexy lingerie, warm dinners, and a commitment to stay at home with the kids are what every husband needs. Despite the free advice at bridal showers—"Men want a Martha in the kitchen, a Mary in the living room, and a Delilah in the bedroom"—love requires much more attention to who my husband is.
I have to get to know him, not what I think he should want, but what he really wants. From day one Dale surprised me. He wanted my body and soul, not just a flimsy bit of chiffon in bed. He'd rather me not cook, preferring to eat out so as to have my undivided attention as a conversationalist. He wanted my interests to guide my career path. And when he saw I could teach, he made space in his life for me as a partner to travel and speak and write alongside him. His wants came as a surprise to me; he wanted my love. Loving my husband, not my idea of a husband, didn't come naturally to me, the good church girl prepared to maintain an arsenal of slinky unmentionables, Martha Stewart meals, and a brood of children.
The second surprising truth upset me even more profoundly.
I discovered I could respect my husband beautifully but fail to love him completely. According to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs's popular book, Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs, disrespect means to "hold in contempt." I had followed Eggerichs's formula to perfection. I avoided contempt of Dale, I honored him, I treated him as my hero. But until I studied him and his needs, I was deficient in love.
Respect devoid of love is not the biblical goal. The mother in My Big Fat Greek Wedding had one without the other: "The husband is the head, but the wife is the neck. And the neck can turn the head any way she wants." It's easy to do exactly what my husband wishes, revere his decisions, go out to eat with him, but fail to engage with him as a person, as an equal, as a wife who wills his good. I can keep my love safe and locked away, my wishes unrevealed, my vulnerabilities protected, and yet shine as a stellar respecter of my husband. (Respect without love may be acceptable in the military, but it is not acceptable in a marriage where two are working to become one).
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2008, Summer, Page 23
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Anonymous
I'm glad you brought it up but I was hoping you would have gone more into women's need for respect, to help explain it to the husbands.
Thomas
Susan, not to be picky, but 1 Peter 3:7 says "Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives with an understanding of their weaker nature r Lit understanding as the weaker vessels yet showing them honor as coheirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. And the whole of the passage in Titus says "But you must say the things that are consistent with sound teaching. 2 Older men are to be level headed, worthy of respect, sensible, and sound in faith, love, and endurance. 3 In the same way, older women are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not addicted to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4 so they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and to love their children, 5 to be self-controlled, pure, homemakers, kind, and submissive to their husbands, so that God’s message will not be slandered."
Thomas (continued)
The passage addresses what are the primary needs of each partner. She is receiving love from her husband and is happy with it and seems to think that if she did all of the same things he would be just as happy. Maybe. But from a man's perspective let me tell you that having been married for 29-1/2 years that I am happiest when I feel that my wife respects me. My wife loves me. I know that. But the times when I have been least happy is when I felt that she did not respect me, even if I felt she loved me. I belong to a small men's group of about 25 guys. We've discussed this and I think every man in the group felt the same way. In talking about it with men at church they all seemed to agree. I teach a Sunday School class that is mostly women and we covered this passage. Many of the women said it was easy to love their husband but sometimes hard to respect them. As Jonalyn says, verse 21 is the starting point in that each should submit to the other but she fails to carry that idea through to the rest of the passage. Submit by doing what the other needs. Her husband may need respect but treats her with love. She is focused on the acts of love that she can do for her husband. Nowhere in the passage does it say that these are mutually exclusive it only addresses the primary needs of each spouse.
Thomas
I'm having a lot of difficulty with this article. Let's start with the first paragraph where it says "I grew up believing, like most females bred on 20th-century evangelical Christianity, that women naturally love their husbands. It's preached from pulpits, written in bestselling books, and seems to be a convenient explanation for Ephesians 5:21-33, that mini-manifesto on marriage: 'Women are commanded to respect, not love, because God made women to love, and loving comes naturally to them.'" That's not what Ephesians says. Nowhere in that passage does it say loving comes naturally to women, efen in the NLT version that Jonalyn references. So we begin an unsupported position. She then proceeds to discuss that she is not naturally a loving person and how she can be selfish and difficult and that she would like to unconditionally love her husband. She talks about all that her husband does as far as giving her his undivided attention, of making space for her and of looking out for her interests. The problem is that she is talking about loving her husband, not respecting him. She says that lovign her husband and not the idea of a husband didn't come naturally to her. She talks about the home-cooked meals, sensitivity, nurturing and compassion -- which are all expressions of love, not respect as the passage talks about. The passage does talk about husbands loving their wives and look at what he is doing -- making time for her, listening to her, trying to give her the best that he can, which are all expressions of love. The article also says that all of the above are expressions of what he wants from her, which is also a false preposition. Everything that he does should be done because it is what she needs not because of what he needs. If he is doing these things out of his needs in order to get some return the they are false.
Atha
I read the comments and I feel some of you missed the point again. We are not all the same. I feel people are so judgemental in everything they do and put groups in little pockets, for instance gender. I really think some people are build to love, others are build to serve, or honour or respect, but we are different. I can relate to this because I need respect as well. And love does not come as natuaral as it should - according to some of you! Thank you for the different perspective. It meant a lot to me!
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