Desperate Housewives?
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[3 Comments]
I stumbled upon it during a recent fit of channeling surfing, brought on by the unexpected delight of actually having sole possession of the remote control. There she was, this so-called housewife—slick lips pouty with invitation (I'm guessing for all the hunky plumbers headed her way), elegantly upswept hair, silky bathrobe and (this was the kicker) no kids in sight. That was also the tip-off: she's an imposter.
Apparently that means the producers of Desperate Housewives need to hire me to act as reality counsel for the producers. From the few minutes I saw, their idea of reality is, um, just a bit different from mine. In fact, the disparity made me laugh so hard I snorted my Diet Coke with lime up my nose.
I put together this comparison chart, should those producers want to attempt realism.
Desperate Housewives Want:
An egg-white omelet, fresh fruit, and dry toast for breakfast
Real Housewives Want:
A Snickers and Diet Coke for breakfast. Don't a positive and a negative cancel each other out?
Desperate Housewives Want:
Complete gardening service
Real Housewives Want:
A neighborhood boy willing to mow the lawn for 10 bucks a week, including weed-eating.
Desperate Housewives Want:
A live-in maid
Real Housewives Want:
A monthly maid service discreet enough not to tell that they saw you throw everything in the dryer prior to their arrival so they wouldn't think your house was a wreck.
Desperate Housewives Want:
A personal yoga instructor
Real Housewives Want:
The ability to touch her toes without having a flabby tummy or post-nursing chest simultaneously touch her knees.
Desperate Housewives Want:
Multiple illicit affairs
Real Housewives Want:
The rarity of being awake long enough to make passionate love to just one man—her husband—once the Letterman monologue is over.
Desperate Housewives Want:
Weekly manicures
Real Housewives Want:
The hope that perhaps biting her nails while the residue of polish remover remains might also whiten her teeth.
Desperate Housewives Want:
Monthly pedicures
Real Housewives Want:
She'd be okay with those.
Desperate Housewives Want:
Occasional bikini waxes
Real Housewives Want:
No matter what they say about losing modesty after childbirth, she can't imagine paying a stranger to view her nether parts while involving pain unless she was also paying them to extract an eight pound child from her body.
Desperate Housewives Want:
Wildly fashionable coiffures
Real Housewives Want:
Mildly fashionable highlights to cover either: (a) the gray hair caused by reluctantly meeting middle age, or (b) the bald spots that result from pulling out hair after six consecutive snow days with multiple children under the age of 10.
Desperate Housewives Want:
Trendy clothing
Real Housewives Want:
Someone to help her locate the body she had that actually fit into trendy clothing; while they're at it, could somebody tell her who is running around with her neck?
Related Topics:
Housekeeping, Housework, Humor
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PS
This is hilarious! Loved it!
Jen
While this article is well-written and humorous, I didn't find that the "Desparate Housewives" comments were in line with the actual show. Sure, the actresses might not portray many housewives in the looks department, but the story lines actually try to be a little less shallow than you indicate. The show itself was created by a guy who watched what his mother went through when he was growing up, with the other mothers in the neighborhood, i.e. her relationships with other women. I'm not saying pro or con for the show, just sharing what I've learned in researching "just how horrible" this show is made out to be by so many Christians . . .
Debbie Jansen
I love this! It's so true. Thanks for the momentary diversion during my busy day. I don't feel so guilty for having that second carmel with coffee.
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