Kyria

Search by Name

Or use:
advanced search to search by major, region, cost, affiliation, enrollment, & more!

I read it again recently. The notion that we singles need to surrender our desire to wed as a true Christian posture toward our singleness.

Most recently it was an account by a married woman, a respected author and church leader, writing about her long–ago single years. As a young woman, she'd desired to get married. But as she began to pursue her ministry calling, she felt the need to surrender completely to God her longing for marriage. With much prayer and intentionality, she did.

And of course, a couple years later she met the man who's now her husband of several decades.

I'm not sure she said so in so many words, but there was the implication that God needed to know he had her whole heart before he was willing to let her "share" it with a man. As I read her account, I somehow felt like a lesser Christian for still wanting to get married. I've read this kind of advice in several singles books over the years—always given by now–married individuals who once gave up the desire for their current marital status. And this "theology" of singleness has rubbed me the wrong way. I've always thought it painted God in a manipulative light—intentionally not giving us something when we want it, and then thrusting it upon us once we don't. Like a crafty parent using reverse psychology on his children.

Now, I don't doubt that God does prompt some singles to give up the desire to marry for some specific reason; it's when this advice becomes prescriptive to all that I get a tad squeamish. And of course the desire to marry can become an idol, and the Bible is very clear that we're not to have any "gods" before him (Exodus 20:3). When that's the case, certainly we need to readjust our priorities.

But I have a hard time synching up this conditional distribution of gifts—this idea that we need to achieve a certain mindset before the blessing of marriage will be bestowed upon us—with the God of unconditional love. I love that we have a come–as–you–are God. A God who loved us and sought us when we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8). A God who doesn't expect us the clean up our mess before we come to him but who meets us right in the mess. I fear we lose that beautiful reality when we start assigning benchmarks to his blessings. I wonder if some of this thinking comes from our discomfort with longing. In our fast–food, quick–fix culture, longing is rare and feels outdated. And when we long for things—good, God–created things like a spouse and children—and pray for these things and they still don't come to pass, we can begin to wonder if the longing is misplaced or wrong.

While the answer may be "no" in some circumstances, in others it may be "not yet." And in the waiting, it's easy to get all kinds of uncomfortable with our longing. Wrestling with spiritual questions or self–doubt. Wondering if he hears us or if we're just wanting the wrong things.

• E-mail this page
• Print this article
• Post a comment
• Share this page

Rate & Comment on this article

Choose star rating:

Low

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

High

Low

High

Be sure to click Submit when finished

Name:

Email:

1000 character limit

Your Comment:

Type these two words:Type what you hear:

I can't readhear these words | Use an audio clip insteadUse an image instead

Service provided by reCAPTCHA

free newsletters

Kyria

Gifted for Leadership

Marriage Partnership

Leadership Weekly

Full Name

E-mail Address

Zip/Postal Code

Subscribe to the selected newsletters.