Singles in the Hands of a Manipulative God?
Average Rating: 
[2 Comments]
I read it again recently. The notion that we singles need to surrender our desire to wed as a true Christian posture toward our singleness.
Most recently it was an account by a married woman, a respected author and church leader, writing about her long–ago single years. As a young woman, she'd desired to get married. But as she began to pursue her ministry calling, she felt the need to surrender completely to God her longing for marriage. With much prayer and intentionality, she did.
And of course, a couple years later she met the man who's now her husband of several decades.
I'm not sure she said so in so many words, but there was the implication that God needed to know he had her whole heart before he was willing to let her "share" it with a man. As I read her account, I somehow felt like a lesser Christian for still wanting to get married. I've read this kind of advice in several singles books over the years—always given by now–married individuals who once gave up the desire for their current marital status. And this "theology" of singleness has rubbed me the wrong way. I've always thought it painted God in a manipulative light—intentionally not giving us something when we want it, and then thrusting it upon us once we don't. Like a crafty parent using reverse psychology on his children.
Now, I don't doubt that God does prompt some singles to give up the desire to marry for some specific reason; it's when this advice becomes prescriptive to all that I get a tad squeamish. And of course the desire to marry can become an idol, and the Bible is very clear that we're not to have any "gods" before him (Exodus 20:3). When that's the case, certainly we need to readjust our priorities.
But I have a hard time synching up this conditional distribution of gifts—this idea that we need to achieve a certain mindset before the blessing of marriage will be bestowed upon us—with the God of unconditional love. I love that we have a come–as–you–are God. A God who loved us and sought us when we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8). A God who doesn't expect us the clean up our mess before we come to him but who meets us right in the mess. I fear we lose that beautiful reality when we start assigning benchmarks to his blessings. I wonder if some of this thinking comes from our discomfort with longing. In our fast–food, quick–fix culture, longing is rare and feels outdated. And when we long for things—good, God–created things like a spouse and children—and pray for these things and they still don't come to pass, we can begin to wonder if the longing is misplaced or wrong.
While the answer may be "no" in some circumstances, in others it may be "not yet." And in the waiting, it's easy to get all kinds of uncomfortable with our longing. Wrestling with spiritual questions or self–doubt. Wondering if he hears us or if we're just wanting the wrong things.
More from by Camerin Courtney:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
- Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women
downloadable guides
Sabbath Rest in a World of Stress
Practical insights for how to live a life that honors the spirit of Sabbath-rest.
The Mentoring Series: Nancy Ortberg
Discover leadership principles from a well-known author and respected leader.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating:
Sh
I've been there many times, and it's roughed me up on the inside in quite ways I find hard to express. God is Almighty so when I didn't get that scholarship I'd prayed for so hard, or that life partner I've sought Him for since I was 18 (I'm now 34), I found myself in fearful introspection. It looks like every time I submit to God something that's really important to me, something always goes wrong. Either, it doesn't come to pass when/how I want it. Now slight fear creeps in every time I want to pray about something that's REALLY important. I know about how He knows what's best for us etc, but like a parent to a child, don't we sometimes give our children treats that wouldn't kill them if they didn't have them, just because we love them? I am at a place in my relationship with God where I feel a little bruised and raw, but I'm banking on His promise to make all things beautiful in His time. PS - that said, His grace has always been sufficient, for real
Jennifer
"intentionally not giving us something when we want it, and then thrusting it upon us once we don't." I've felt that way about how things have happened in my life often. For example, just when I decided to "surrender" and like a job that's far from my dream, the job's gone. It does make me feel manipulated, especially because an even less enjoyable job opportunity followed. I have not wisdom to add. I'm just saying I've been there, wondering why it happened. Not saying it's God. Not saying it's not. Just wondering why, and whether or not there's something to be learned. Or if I've just gotta' grin and bear it.
Rate & Comment on this article *