Why One Isn't the Loneliest Number
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I'm not ashamed to admit it: I spend a lot of time alone. I'm a never-married 30something woman who has no children, who lives alone, and who spends most days in an office by myself. And in all my years of alone time—eating alone, driving alone, sleeping alone—I've learned a valuable lesson: Alone isn't the same as lonely.
I'll be honest, some of this truth sunk in by default as I felt and observed loneliness in the most unusual places. Several years ago I attended a Chris Tomlin worship concert with friends. Standing in this crowd of a couple thousand people, with eyes closed, arms raised, and voices joined, I felt a searing stab of loneliness.
I'd been experiencing a "dark night of the soul"—lobbing questions heavenward and sensing nothing but silence in return. So standing there amidst people who seemed so sincere while singing "How Great Is Our God" made me feel like an outsider in this community of faith. Like an orphan looking in the window at a family feast.
Likewise, several years ago I walked with a friend through a very lonely time in her marriage. Due to some unusual receipts and phone records she'd found, she began to suspect her husband of only a year was cheating on her. It took many lonely months for her to recover from his emotional affair.
And not too long ago I received a phone call from a friend who's the mother of twin toddlers. She'd been watching her girls solo over a three-day weekend while her husband was out of town on business. Now that he was back, she was lonely for some grown-up girl time, which I tried my best to provide at an impromptu gathering at our neighborhood Starbucks.
In these and many other experiences, I've observed a key distinction: Alone is the absence of people, while lonely is the absence of connection. Loneliness is a disconnect with the community we were created to crave.
Oh sure, lonely and alone sometimes occur simultaneously. I've had my fair share of lonely Me Nights during friend-shifts, after break-ups, when I've gotten lazy about my social life. When I let them, these lonely moments are needed nudgings to reach out, to risk new friendships, to lean into God more. In my weaker moments, I just cry it out.
But I've also experienced some Me Nights that are altogether splendid. I love munching on takeout from the Chinese restaurant around the corner and watching a subtitled flick I couldn't get anyone else to sit through with me. In this scenario, I don't have to be coworker, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, church member. I get the delicious freedom just to be. Alone, all of your personality is able to unfurl and fill up all the spaces of your home. Like airing out a well-used blanket. Like stretching muscles after a long flight.
When I'm home alone—watching a movie, reading a book, washing dishes—I get to hear myself think. And talk, since I often carry on an audible conversation with myself. In listening to the dialogue that comes tumbling out when I'm alone, I often hear feelings, thoughts, dreams, and joys I wasn't conscious of before. Alone, I've thanked God for raspberries, dreamed up new articles, remembered faraway friends to e-mail, and sometimes broken into spontaneous song or dance.
Related Topics:
alone, Identity, Loneliness, longing, Single, Single Again
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JENNIFER
I like this article very much. We don't always have influence over our circumstances, but we can let God influence our hearts in all circumstances. I like Kathi's point, too, about the lack of deeper connections. I want those, but am hard-pressed to establish them. I'd rather have two or three intimate friends than many superficial connections. Unfortunately, I don't meet many who want to cultivate that. Very often, I'm taken aback by those people refer to as "friends".
Tress
I am over 40 and single (never married). There are times when I feel lonely, but I know that I am never alone. God is always with me. I believe that He wants us to reach out to Him in our times of loneliness. He desires for us to spend time in communication, worship, and fellowship with Him. We should put all of our focus and energy on Him when we start to feel lonely.
The Hair Gospel
we enjoyed the article... in Christ one can never be the loneliest number. We actually need more women like you that are free to do more for the Gospel-because you have time to use your talents. Enjoy the experience and keep doing more for God-someone is always watching you.
Anonymous(Registered User)
Thanks Camerin. I remember you from the days of your editorship of the singles magazine of CT. You helped me come to terms with being single and from those articles i learned to enjoy my singlehood and not see it as a burden. I have since married and realised the truth of those messages -that there is no time again to enjoy some of the benefits of being single. thanks for th truth in your articles. God bless you.
Kathi
I am disturbed by parts of this article and comments. I may have misread/understood the point, but it seems there's strong support of being alone (solitary) or spending time with animals/pets. God made human beings to be relational and in community. Even God is in constant community with Himself. While solitude is good and supported in the Bible (Jesus took time alone, but then again, he was alone with God...) Singles may spend a lot of time with people, but that doesn't mean it is in deep circumstances, but rather shallow circumstances. People who are married have a deep and intimate relationship, or (I think) should be working toward that. Singles do not have that, but there is still a need for deep relationships, because that is how we are wired. If anything, singles should be involved with deep friendships with men and women (brothers/sisters).
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