Does Faith Hide Marital Abuse?
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Sherri (not her real name), a newlywed, was suffering from intense mental abuse that had the potential to escalate to physical abuse. When Christian friends tried to intervene, she smiled and said quietly, "I don't mind doing that for him. I love him." She ducked her head and walked away—alone.
It's difficult for Christian women to separate the demands of their husband from the demands of their faith. The hardworking Proverbs 31 woman may make some women feel totally responsible for the home, the children, and anything that goes wrong. Rather than evaluate circumstances they accept the abuse hoping that their Christian love will cause the situation to change. These women often refuse to believe they are victims and instead view their role as peacemakers. These women rarely acknowledge abuse until it becomes physical.
Sherri was one of those women. She reluctantly came to me for counseling at the urging of her parents. Her mother wasn't sure it was abuse, but worried that something was wrong. Sherri quietly talked about her desire for a Christian home and that she was committed to doing whatever was necessary to keep her home together. Her husband made unreasonable demands, criticized every action, damaged her self esteem, and blamed his inadequacies on her choices. He even refused to share control of bank cards or the checkbook, and often left her without change to purchase a small drink while shopping. She endured the mental abuse by quoting Scriptures and the fact that she might be able to bring her husband to a deeper walk with Christ. By quoting 1 Corinthians 7:14 she felt it was her duty to take the mental abuse thinking that her prayers, her patience, and her love would heal her home.
It's easy for a newlywed to explain changes in personality, friends, and obligations as a desire to be the devoted spouse. A devoted Christian can take a verse like, "Wives submit to your husbands" (Ephesians 5:22) or "The two shall become one flesh" (Ephesians 5:31) and turn it into a reason to accept mental or physical abuse.
If you fear your friend or family member is a victim of abuse, there are four ways you can help her, especially when she uses faith to justify the abuse.
1. Don't try to argue into understanding. Faith abuse is rooted in the lack of scriptural understanding concerning God's desire for women and marriage. If you choose to argue marital opinions with a victim, you'll create avoidance and the loss of all incoming information. Instead coordinate your efforts with friends and family, agree to be pleasant, kind, affirming, and compassionate. Your goal is to share Scripture as if you were planting a seed that will counteract what he/she is hearing at home. Be patient and compassionate as you wait for the seed to take root.
2. Ask your church to provide a coordinated series on subjects such as real love, God's designs for us, or relationship skills. Seek to teach them from both the pulpit and classes in order to double-up the message. Strong scriptural teaching that promotes individual self-esteem while teaching against abuse will also plant a seed. Be aware that the abuser may restrict the victim from attending those events. Approaching the abuser will cause a larger problem. If the abuse is mental, it's better to give the abused the tools he or she will need to break away from the abuser.
Related Topics:
Abuse, Appearances, Confrontation, Domestic violence, False beliefs
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Barbara Dixon(Registered User)
Unfortunately, if we come from an abusive environment, then we assume it's the norm, even if in a Christian home ... The truth is in GOD's Word and understanding that truth, believing that truth and trusting that truth ... Being abused is contradictory to GOD's Word ... GOD loves us, and we must learn to love ourselves. Love is not supposed to hurt, belittle ... Love is supportive, kind, patient, caring ...
Katelynn
If your husband or boyfriend is constantly yelling and threatening you, LEAVE HIM!!! My ex-husband almost beat me to death!!!! I spent over 2 months in the hospital and have been in physical therapy for 17 years!!!!!!! I had to change my name and the names of my kids, and move to a different city. If you want to ensure that this does not happen to you... LEAVE HIM!!!! Theses are just a few US stats about abuse. 1.3 women are raped every minute!!!!!!!!! 1/3 of women are abused by their husband/boyfriend!!!!!!!!! 1/4 of all abuse cases are physically violent!!!!!!!! 60 to 65% of all women murdered are by their husband/boyfriend!!!!!!! Surprisingly, the most disgusting thing about abuse, is that good Christian men are not helping us women defeat this terrible, deadly sin!!!!!!
Edlic
Most women demand too much from their husbands... ask yourselves first... can you deliver as much? Stop pampering yourselves! Abuse... wives can and do abuse their husband too... you American Christians are spoilt!
KA
I feel like I am abused verbally by my spouse who has said to me he is not abusive when I bring to his attention situations that has imbarressed or belittled me in public, he really thinks hes right or maybe he wants me to believe he is right in his actions, after thirty-nine years of marriage he has changed drastically maybe because he is in bad health I have no heaith problems as a fifty-seven year old people think and even the doctors think I could pass for forties even some have told me thirties he does not take care of himself and he is very possessive of me, We have been together since age seventeen an nineteen, four children and eight grandchildren he is a wonderful guy until he gets in those moods ( sign is cancer) if that tells you anything. We have nothing in common opposites attrack, I love outdoor, he loves indoor, when we were younger soooh much in LOVE, in-separateable, we are still the same except he is short tempered, no patience, never says he loves me, never holds me anymore, he is impotent because of the diabetes and high blood pressure, but that doesn't matter to me I still love him just like I use to and I know he loves me but he has developed some nasty ways the last few years, what do I do?
Debbie Jansen
Alyssa and others…. Abuse is not an unintentional one time mistake. A good spouse will treat you with respect, protect your self-esteem, keep quiet when you make a mistake (rather than impose guilt or be harsh) love you as Christ loves the church and will gladly sacrifice his/her happiness to see you succeed. A Godly marriage free from abuse is when both partners are giving 150% and expecting nothing in return. If both spouses are upset when the other is hurt – they are probably on solid ground. Abuse comes from an evil heart that wants to cause pain to those who are close. I will discuss some of these issues on my blog. For now, mental abuse is a constant attack meant to destroy the self-esteem, talent and God given influence of the partner. It is selfish, controlling and determined to keep the victim feeling defeated, trapped and without a voice. There’s more of course…but Hope this helps for now….
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