Mourning a Miscarriage
I knew the bright red blood shouldn't be there. The day before, I'd discovered for certain I was six weeks pregnant. Now, as I stared at the widening stain of blood that soaked my pajamas, my stomach tightened and my neck burned.
No, God! I want to be a mother!
In a matter of seconds, I sprang from the bathroom, woke my husband, James, and dialed my physician. The diagnosis: spontaneous miscarriage.
"Is there anything we can do?" I squeaked.
"Unfortunately, no," my ob/gyn replied. "I'm sorry."
The date was March 9, 2003. I'd awoken, pregnant, at 6 A.M. I'd thanked God for answering my prayers, wondered whether the baby was a boy or a girl, and dreamed about what my child would look like at his or her birth in October.
When I hung up the phone, the clock read 7:30 A.M.
And my baby was dead.
When God Says "No"
My body recovered almost immediately. However, my spirit writhed during the months that followed. I'd always pictured God as the religious equivalent of a fairy godfather, a granter of wishes who gives us the important things for which we pray. For six hopeful months, I'd begged him to let us have a baby. Now I brooded over the fact he'd responded with a "no." It was more than God taking his time with our baby's conception; our baby actually had died. How much more obvious could a "no" be?
While I never thought God caused my miscarriage, I despaired over realizing the same God who said, "Seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" (Matthew 7:7) had allowed it to happen. I wondered if perhaps I'd prayed wrongly when I asked him for a baby, or if I hadn't prayed enough. Did God even care that I'd prayed? With the world so full of trouble, perhaps my prayers were too insignificant for God's attention.
Or maybe, I thought as tears flowed day after day, God didn't want me to have a baby at all.
I found little solace in the world around me. Though relatively common, miscarriage is a topic whispered around obstetricians' offices and rarely discussed in a society that regards the unborn—especially at the earliest stages of pregnancy—as disposable nonentities. Many people undermined my feelings with platitudes such as "You can always get pregnant again" or "These things just happen." But I believe life begins at conception; my unborn child was a person with a soul. The loss of that unique person left an enormous void in my life, leaving me physically and emotionally empty, lonelier than I'd ever been before. All I could do about it was cry.
Since childhood I'd been taught to turn to God at such times, but I figured I already knew his opinion on the matter. I couldn't ask him for help—after all, I knew he wouldn't return my baby to me. What I wanted from him now was an answer: I wanted to know why he'd allowed my baby to die. The question plagued me. I read book after book about miscarriage. I half expected a clue to turn up every time I answered the phone or checked the mail, but none ever did.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2007, January/February, Vol. 29, Issue 1, Page 42
Related Topics:
Asking Why, faithfulness, God's, Grief, Healing, Miscarriage, Mourning, Peace
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Sarah
My husband and experienced the miscarriage of our first child on January 10th of this year. We have two completely different belief systems when it came to the miscarriage. My husband believed there was never a baby there, but in my heart and soul I know better. So, I find it very hard to grieve in front of him. I feel like an absolute lunatic mourning the loss of a child that in his opinion was never there. When I found your article, I immediately broke down in tears. Finally, I thought to myself I’m not alone. I can’t thank you enough. God bless you and your husband.
Sara
I just experienced a miscarriage. This would have been my 4th child. I had wanted another child for the last couple years so I was excited. Although I was extremely upset about the miscarriage I used it as encouragment to work on my relationship with God. It brought me closer to Him. I figure it has to be a change of plans in what He wants me to do with my life now. I want to get closer to Him so I can hear Him tell me when and what. God Bless you and I feel your pain.
Treva(Registered User)
am writing from a grandmother's perpspective, as I have 2 grandchildren who died early in their mom's pregnancy. I miss these 2 little people; I grieve for their mother and father. I know they are with Jesus and look forward to the time when I will meet them. In my heart I have 4 grandchildren, not just 2. Have been helped by a DVD, Footprints On Our Hearts and a book, Naming the Child - both put out by Paraclete Press - also helped by understanding friends who know that both these miscarried children were real people to be loved.
wendy
My husband and I have just experienced a miscarriage of my first pregnancy. We were devastated. there is pain every day but there is comfort also. God is still God and He is still good no matter what we go through - He didn't make a mistake when he let this happen and he didn't do it to be cruel. He loves us so much and He loves our little boy whom He took home. I'm thankful I knew that He was a boy - our 'little fella' and I know without a doubt, that oneday I will meet him and hold him and know that he is my son. May your pain ease and let God the great healer, heal you. Time and God are the only answer to Grief.
Pam
As a Christian doula and childbirth educator, I have attended and ministered to those who have suffered pregnancy loss. While God is sovereign, everyone asks "Why?" I believe we won't have an answer until we reach Heaven. In the meantime, I have observed there is a HUGE void in the church in the way of Christian childbirth education and ministry. There are multiple ministries for crisis pregnancies, post-abortion trauma, adoption, parenting, but NONE for prenatal classes, labour support, or ministering to bereaved parents who have suffered a loss during their pregnancy. I am praying for God to open doors and I am thankful to the author and the others for sharing their stories of pain and loss. May the Lord bless each and every one of you with His peace that passes all understanding, and may you grow in faith while enduring emotional pain most of us will never know.
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