Mourning a Miscarriage
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I knew the bright red blood shouldn't be there. The day before, I'd discovered for certain I was six weeks pregnant. Now, as I stared at the widening stain of blood that soaked my pajamas, my stomach tightened and my neck burned.
No, God! I want to be a mother!
In a matter of seconds, I sprang from the bathroom, woke my husband, James, and dialed my physician. The diagnosis: spontaneous miscarriage.
"Is there anything we can do?" I squeaked.
"Unfortunately, no," my ob/gyn replied. "I'm sorry."
The date was March 9, 2003. I'd awoken, pregnant, at 6 A.M. I'd thanked God for answering my prayers, wondered whether the baby was a boy or a girl, and dreamed about what my child would look like at his or her birth in October.
When I hung up the phone, the clock read 7:30 A.M.
And my baby was dead.
When God Says "No"
My body recovered almost immediately. However, my spirit writhed during the months that followed. I'd always pictured God as the religious equivalent of a fairy godfather, a granter of wishes who gives us the important things for which we pray. For six hopeful months, I'd begged him to let us have a baby. Now I brooded over the fact he'd responded with a "no." It was more than God taking his time with our baby's conception; our baby actually had died. How much more obvious could a "no" be?
While I never thought God caused my miscarriage, I despaired over realizing the same God who said, "Seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" (Matthew 7:7) had allowed it to happen. I wondered if perhaps I'd prayed wrongly when I asked him for a baby, or if I hadn't prayed enough. Did God even care that I'd prayed? With the world so full of trouble, perhaps my prayers were too insignificant for God's attention.
Or maybe, I thought as tears flowed day after day, God didn't want me to have a baby at all.
I found little solace in the world around me. Though relatively common, miscarriage is a topic whispered around obstetricians' offices and rarely discussed in a society that regards the unborn—especially at the earliest stages of pregnancy—as disposable nonentities. Many people undermined my feelings with platitudes such as "You can always get pregnant again" or "These things just happen." But I believe life begins at conception; my unborn child was a person with a soul. The loss of that unique person left an enormous void in my life, leaving me physically and emotionally empty, lonelier than I'd ever been before. All I could do about it was cry.
Since childhood I'd been taught to turn to God at such times, but I figured I already knew his opinion on the matter. I couldn't ask him for help—after all, I knew he wouldn't return my baby to me. What I wanted from him now was an answer: I wanted to know why he'd allowed my baby to die. The question plagued me. I read book after book about miscarriage. I half expected a clue to turn up every time I answered the phone or checked the mail, but none ever did.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2007, January/February, Vol. 29, Issue 1, Page 42
Related Topics:
Asking Why, faithfulness, God's, Grief, Healing, Miscarriage, Mourning, Peace
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Ruth
Thank you for writing about this. I experienced a miscarriage at 6 weeks too this past summer. Some days I still wake up and cry all day. It is hard to express your grief to people and feel understood because so many think of a baby that young as nothing. Thank you for sharing. It is nice to know that I am not the only one who grieves so greatly. Thank you for acknowledging my grief.
Gail
Great article, I lost my tenth baby on Thursday. For those who are going through, don't torment yourself asking why? The truth is you may never know. Remember God holds every tear in his hand, Jesus wept when Lazarus died he weeps with us too. When I lost my 8th I hated God for a couple of years and he was the only one that could help me, I had cut off my own source of strength and help. Heavenly father tells us to run to him. To those who grieve please don't run from God run to him.
roxann
I have three wonderful children and have been praying to be bless with a fourth child. today i had my third loss at 5 wks and having a hard time. the hurt just gets worse
A. Smith
My wife has gone through three miscarriages as we grew our family. She found little resources available to her and learned a lot along the way about herself, our marriage, and God. Just recently she finished writing a short book about her experience as a Christian Woman going through this. "Marriages and Miscarriages: One Woman's Personal Experience" by Kathleen Smith is now available on Kindle/Nook ( http://bit.ly/mamnook ) and in paperback. ( http://bit.ly/mamamzn )
Leah
I experienced a miscarriage at 8wks, it is a funny thing, you know. I don't even really like that word Miscarriage. It seems to have a stigma attached to it, and really I dont feel that I Missed carrying anything, like God made a mistake or something or failed to carry through something to completion. In his books I think that things are some how complete and even if I never got to hold him/her or give him or her a name, she or he is in heaven and my grandmother who died this Christmas, My Grandfather and other loved ones who have passed on have.. Anyway. We were living in a foreign country,so my parents and close friends were not close by. I was so angry at God and blaming myself and others for things that I thought had been done wrong..the memory of the day I started bleeding playing over in my head, a serious case of the if onlys. It was mothers day too. My husband lost his mother at a young age and that seemed enough heartache on that day..have just finished reading when God just does not make sense, James Dobson..quite a helpful book.
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