The Need to Please
Average Rating: 
[13 Comments]
"I got lucky," I heard myself say as I averted my eyes. I knew I deserved my friend's congratulations for finishing my doctorate in psychology. I'd worked hard. And luck certainly wasn't what had kept me at my computer all night writing my dissertation. But afraid my friend would think I was a show-off, I provided myriad disclaimers I didn't even believe throughout our conversation.
I'd gotten caught in the people-pleasing trap.
When we aren't honest with others about who we really are, and instead present an image of who we think we should be in order to gain their acceptance, we're people pleasing.
But we don't have to be enslaved to other people's approval. Instead, we can serve others authentically and proclaim with the apostle Paul, "We are not trying to please people but God"
(1 Thessalonians 2:4, NCV). Here's how to break free from the bondage of people pleasing.
Get to know yourself
"We give glory to God simply by being ourselves," author Brennan Manning writes. However, you can't glorify God by being yourself if you don't even know that self!
In one of my first counseling sessions with Karen, a 37-year-old self-described people pleaser, she admitted she didn't know who the real Karen was. And she certainly never gave others the opportunity to know the real her. "People think I'm the perfect wife and mother," Karen told me. Her friends commented on her always-tidy house and home-cooked meals. She served on numerous church and neighborhood committees, and said "yes" to any request.
But secretly, Karen was exhausted and bitter. Unsure what unique gifts or talents she possessed, she felt like an empty shell simply shuffling from one activity to another.
To help someone get more acquainted with herself—her likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses—I recommend writing answers to these questions.
Who are you? Describe yourself in 20 adjectives, focusing on personal qualities rather than roles. For every negative attribute, add two positives.
I, for example, am not only impatient, but also compassionate and energetic.
How would your spouse or best friend describe you? Others notice different aspects of your personality from those you see. My husband often comments on my nurturing side as he watches me with our children.
What are your hobbies and interests? Knowing what gives you energy keeps you connected to how God made you. I come most alive when I'm drinking coffee with friends, eating good food with my husband, or making scrapbooks about my kids.
What talents has God given you? Acknowledging —and using—a God-given gift is practicing good stewardship. When I eat the meringues my friend Stephanie makes, I'm thankful she's developed that gift.
After reflecting on who you are, look for opportunities to live as your true self in relationships. Perhaps you can invite some girlfriends to meet weekly and take turns choosing a favorite activity, whether piano playing or hiking. As you share personal hobbies, you'll deepen friendships.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2008, July/August, Vol. 30, Issue 4, Page 50
Related Topics:
Affirmation, Approval, Confidence, Expectations, Self-esteem
More from Kim Gaines Eckert:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
- Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women
downloadable guides
Sabbath Rest in a World of Stress
Practical insights for how to live a life that honors the spirit of Sabbath-rest.
The Mentoring Series: Nancy Ortberg
Discover leadership principles from a well-known author and respected leader.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating:
Displaying 1–5 of 13 comments
See all comments
Robyn
I like myself. God made me unique, for a purpose, with these strengths and weaknesses, to use my talents for his glory. Does it really matter if every other person on the planet likes me? Nope. God likes me; he made me! I'm valuable and valued. By my creator. And so are you!
Anastasia
This is so very very true. It took a nervous breakdown to learn it, and I'm still working on it at 52 years old. I've since gone back to school to become a nurse practitioner, something I should have done years ago.
Dineo
I was tempted to please others even in writing a comment on this article. The article has allowed me to put my life into perspective.
Natalia
You have no idea. This article was meant for me to read. I relate to every single story and word. Thank you so much.
Cheryl
I would like to know. If there is a place just to e-mail someone. Without a lot of. You should be doing this and that. I am feeling in my Life right now. If I do not change somethings. In my Life with my family. Sister and others. I will not be able to be around them again. I have had it with so many people. But I do not know how to start understanding it. And helping me to let go of things and moving on and that is with others also. Please help me. Help me to know what to do. I Thank you.
Rate & Comment on this article *