A Sobering Truth
A fortuneteller once told me I had a curse hanging over my head and only she could lift it. "What kind of curse?" I asked, pressing for details. She wouldn't specify until I'd paid $50 up front and booked more sessions with her. I laughed, but cringed inside. While I didn't return to see the woman, I already knew what the curse was. I was 27, and I'd been drinking almost every day for nine years.
A few months before that 1994 visit to the fortuneteller, I'd had a blackout after one of my customary drinking binges. I don't recall how I got back to my building, but I remember looking up at a mountain of stairs leading to my third-story apartment. I gripped the rail and walked unsteadily up each step. When I got to the top, I lost my balance and fell backward to the bottom of the last flight of stairs. Stunned, I examined myself. Instead of the broken neck I should've had, I'd merely banged an elbow. With no idea how I got there, I awoke in my bed the next day with the sun intruding on my drunken slumber.
The fortuneteller was right. I had a curse hanging over my head—alcoholism.
I barely remember what life was like before I started drinking. I grew up in a marginally Christian home and believed the good I did outweighed the bad. As one of the "good" girls in high school, I didn't have sex, drink, or do drugs. But after my senior prom, a month before my eighteenth birthday, I had my first drink. I thought, I deserve it. I've been good for 18 years! After a few sips, my whole body reacted. The feeling was more gratifying than anything I'd ever known. The more I drank, the more pleasant the world looked. I spent the summer getting drunk—as well as the following four years.
Nearly every day of my college career was filled with drinking-related activities. Practically everyone drank, and I had all sorts of "friends." Days were filled with fun and frolic; nights with emptiness. Drinking caused my inhibitions to fall away, and I became promiscuous. Trying to recapture that first "buzz," I went through a series of relationships, jobs, and schools—even law school—in an alcoholic fog. I blamed my appalling behavior on drunken blackouts.
In early 1997, I was almost 30, unemployed, and living with my mother. Unknown to her, I drank myself to sleep every night and often feared I'd drink myself to death. I saw myself at age 50 still drinking—or dead—and realized I couldn't continue this lifestyle. I never was able to recapture that high from my initial drinking experience. For the first time in almost 12 years, I wanted to stop trying.
Although I wrestled with the decision, I decided to get sober by age 30. I couldn't imagine life without alcohol—my god, my savior, my friend. To no longer worship at its altar seemed unbearable, but something beyond me was pulling me away.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2003, May/June, Vol. 25, Issue 3, Page 26
Related Topics:
Alcohol, Alcoholism, Christian, conversion, Drinking, God, Morality, Savior, Christ our, Self-reliance, Self-righteousness, Self-sufficiency, Wrestling with God
More from La Shawn Barber:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to hundreds of other articles for thoughtful, influential women
- The monthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 20 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
downloadable guides
Prayer and Meditation
Cultivating a deeper relationship with God.
Ministering to Working Women
How your women's ministry can better meet the needs of women who work outside the home.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating:
anonymous
God bless you today and always. The struggle can end as easily as turning around; but it always looks as large as a mountain.
Anonymous
Thank you for your testimony.
Bob
Dear La Shawn, I loved your autobiographical article. I live in DC also, and would like to get to know you better. My life and yours have so much in common. Mainly, I am a Christian much like you and a Conservative as well. I write every day and have many thousands of pages on my computer, but nothing published other than a few letters to the editor of TWT. You are so accomplished I stand in awe of you. Do you go to McLean Bible in Virginia, by any chance? I guess I should tell you that I am White, but don't hold that against me. I only care if people are Conservative Believers, and try not to judge on any other basis. My cell is 703 508 1267. Maybe you could help me with my web sites and/or help get me published, and launched. I think I could help you too. Things I would like to do, are start a church, build a powerful website, do a radio and tv show, to name only a few things I want to do. You can also email me at tommix76@yahoo
Rate & Comment on this article *