When Sex Hurts
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What happens when the process of "becoming one" in marriage brings pain, not pleasure? Or when every attempt at intercourse induces intense burning and the sensation of being torn apart inside? Many women live with an invisible handicap that robs them and their spouse of the enjoyment of sexual intercourse. It's called vaginismus, and it's possibly the most common cause of female sexual pain you've never heard of.
Commonly misdiagnosed, vaginismus is the involuntary and unconscious spasm of the muscles surrounding the vagina, making penetration painful or impossible. Estimates suggest that in North America alone, hundreds of thousands of women suffer from vaginismus to some degree. Statistics are hard to gather because many never come forward due to shame and embarrassment. Victims suffer in silence for years, never realizing they can find help.
My journey with vaginismus began 12 years ago. My husband, Brian*, and I had been married eight years when I gave birth to our second child. Labor was traumatic, and the baby was finally taken by C-section. After my recovery and with two babies in the house, my husband and I were tired but eager to resume the joy and comfort of intimacy.
Instead, sex brought anything but joy and comfort. Every time we had intercourse, I experienced intense burning pain. While I wanted to say "yes" to intimacy, my body said "no."
When my physician examined me, he found nothing physically wrong and said the pain should subside. But it didn't. In fact, it got worse. I didn't know what was happening, and fear kept me from telling Brian for two years. Many times I hid the tears. I thought if I told him, he'd be afraid to touch me.
With two toddlers and a full-time job, my excuse of being too tired for sex seemed justifiable, but I couldn't avoid all of Brian's sexual advances. Soon it became difficult to have intercourse at all. Penetration was almost impossible. Finally, I broke down and told him of my pain. He was afraid to hurt me further and for a time, sex stopped.
Annual visits to the gynecologist yielded no medical cause for my pain, and my shame and embarrassment kept me from opening up about it even to my closest friends. I couldn't imagine telling anyone "I can't have sex." I avoided Brian to escape continued failure in our sex life, and our marriage began crumbling. While I seemed to succeed in every other aspect of my life, I still felt as though "failure" was stamped across my forehead.
In the depths of this internal struggle, the Healer brought me to himself. Six years into vaginismus, I accepted Jesus as my Savior. Although I felt a weight lift from my shoulders, vaginismus was still a burden I couldn't give him. So much shame and isolation surrounded my sexual problem that I felt I couldn't even discuss it with God.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2004, November/December, Vol. 26, Issue 6, Page 62
Related Topics:
Marriage, pain, sex
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Average User Rating:
Wesley
Early in my 19-year marriage (year 7 possibly), my wife told my dad that she hated me. I was devastated. As far as I could tell, I did nothing wrong. She told me I wasn't romantic. She made me feel as if I wasn't enough man for her. This was her way of hiding and avoiding sex because it was painful. All of a sudden, after enduring approximately 19 years of her blaming me for our marital problems, I hinted that this is not going to occur anymore. That was my way of saying that I'm going to leave her. She suddenly said it, "I don't like sex because it hurts...it always hurt, and I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to leave me". This was 2 days ago. Then I found this site: www.vaginismus.com. I showed her the site. I truly hope this product helps because I feel absolutely betrayed that she never told me. My hurt comes from her not telling me the truth about her pain and just blaming me for everything. I think we both need therapy.
Carly
Hallelujah!! I started bawling reading this article, thinking, "thank you, Jesus - this has a name!" I have been suffering from what sounds like vaginismus for my entire 5 years of marriage. It has caused frustration, anger, confusion, and depression. I have been praying that God would "fulfill His promise" and now I have a glimmer of hope. Thank you SO much for this article!
Suzanne
Sex is painful for me but not because of vaginismus. I was diagnosed with vestibulitis and vulvodynia 2 1/2 years ago. There is a lot of help for women with vaginismus, but not for women who have the type of pain that I have. I've had this for 23+ years of marriage. I don't know what it's like to enjoy sex/intimacy with my husband. I've tried every treatment. Nothing's worked. I've tried counseling. They're stumped, because they've never heard of my situation before. To say that God made sex pleasureable is a lie. Sex has done nothing but destroy my marriage. I'm sick and tired of hearing people expound on the joys of sex and how it's a gift from God. Find more women who have had the same situation I'm living with and have them write an article outlining how they were healed. I've yet to find a Christian book that solely deals with this. The most I see is a paragraph or two. If God made sex pleasureable, I would not be experiencing this. I would be enjoying my life with my husband.
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