The Silent Epidemic
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Her husband's comments were so routine that for 20 years, Brenda Branson didn't realize she was a victim of verbal and emotional abuse.
"You breathe too loud," her husband would tell her. "Your smile is silly. You look terrible. Don't you have anything better to wear?"
It wasn't until Brenda realized his comments weren't true that she approached him. And that's when he picked up a chair and hit her with it. Brenda knew she had to do something, so she went to her pastor. Unfortunately he wasn't equipped to handle domestic abuse; his suggestions about submitting to her husband only made her home life more difficult. "Our church didn't know what to do with us," Brenda says. "They just wanted the problem to go away."
Brenda got the help she needed by forming a support group with another domestic-violence victim. Then in 1995 she cofounded Focus Ministries, one of the few Christian organizations devoted to helping victims of domestic violence while also training churches on how they can assist members who are being abused.
According to Detective Sgt. Don Stewart, a retired police officer who handled domestic violence cases for 25 years, one out of every four Christian couples experiences at least one episode of physical abuse within their marriage. In fact, battering is the single largest cause of injury to women—more than auto accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists reports that 3 to 4 million women are beaten in their homes every year. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, approximately 2,000 women are murdered every year by an intimate partner.
"Domestic violence has become an epidemic," says Brenda, who is no longer married to her husband. The enormity of the problem, combined with the fact law enforcement officials and church leaders often lack the skills to address it, led Don to author Refuge (New Hope), a book helping victims understand and flee from violence in their homes. "I consider Don to be a missionary who offers hope to hurting women and presents a wakeup call to the Christian community to get involved," says Brenda.
Kyria.com spoke with both Don and Brenda on how battered women can get help as well as how Christians can respond to this crisis.
Explain the different types of domestic abuse.
Don: Emotional and verbal abuse are the cutting remarks a spouse uses to destroy his wife's sense of self-worth. A man may label a woman fat or stupid. He may demean her personal accomplishments or scream at her that the dinner she cooked is terrible. Perhaps he yells at her because she's 15 minutes late coming home from work.
Physical abuse is when a man injures his wife in a nonsexual manner. Then there's sexual abuse—when a spouse forces sex on his partner. Most states have adopted laws protecting married women against spousal rape. But because there's so much shame involved for the woman, she may be hesitant to come forward about this.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2004, September/October, Vol. 26, Issue 5, Page 68
Related Topics:
Abuse, abuse, emotional, Abuse, verbal, Marriage
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Susan
I am finally leaving my husband after years of verbal and emotional abuse. I prayed and cried like a nut at the alter for the lord to save my marriage In those 3 years the holy spirit started to heal me. I kept my eyes on Him my marriage got worse! My mother passed away 30 days ago and he got meaner I am using that money and the healing of my self-esteem to leave. My advice to all Christian woman is say your bible verses to yourself pray keep your eye on Jesus and he will raise you up on eagles wings.
Anonymous
This entire article is written as if the only people who are abused are women by men. It is a documented fact (though those who publish it get attacked for doing so) that the rate of abuse against men from their wives is at least around 50% of all abuse and likely even more. I know this from having experienced the constant verbal, emotional, mental and ultimately physical abuse from someone who "loved me". She had BPD/NPD. She was a sociopath, and the number of women who have this disorder is staggering. Here's the bottom line: Men don't tell. They feel ashamed and are trying to figure out what it is they do that causes their wives to treat them that way. It IS an epedemic, but it is epedemic with men as targets as well as perpetrators. PLUS - Men are at a disadvantage in knowing that our culture doesn't accept that they can really be abused. There is no one to turn to, and articles like this just confirm that if there's any abuse going on it must be the male abusing the wife. How confusing is that? Abusers always tell the abused that they are the one who abuse. Will someone do something for the men who are suffering at the hands of abusive wives?
Bea Lewin
For 3 years I was married to a man who began control by turning off fridges that bothered him and making it 65 degrees in the summer. Then he became more demanding and threatening, while controlling me and my finances. I was isolated. My attempts to talk were met with angry tirades. I was afraid. Christian marriage counselors were not very helpful, but it was the perpetuation of abuse by our pastor after my husband went to him to get him to tell me that I should hand all control of my finances over to him that really hurt. Actually, that is when I began to see that there was no hope for us, and that this pastor was actually making my marital problems worse. Despite the fact that I had discovered evidence of an addiction to pornography, spending sprees (into debt) and knew he was seeing other women, the pastor did not want to know or help with any of these problems. Why aren't more pastors more concerned and more responsible? I will never trust a pastor for help again.
Vandy
I have seen some instances of verbal abuse by my daughter-in-law toward my son when she is drinking wine. She drinks a lot. It is nothing for her down a whole bottle of wine by herself and ask my son to go buy more. She screams at him and orders him around. He is in his early 30's and doesn't deserve this. They have a son. My son and daughter-in-law both are Christians. I have been present for approximately four of the screaming out and ordering around, one was without wine. Anything I can do? I am guessing not, except tell my son how much I love him and want HIS happiness above all else.
Judi Noble
Thank you for this amazing article..My name is Judi Noble and I started a non profit 15 years ago that addresses this very issue. Our web-site is eagleswingsglobal.org. I would love to be a resource for the women on this web-site We do Domestic Violence awareness training to leaders and lay staff and have developed several "Love Does No Harm" support groups in the Southern Calif area. Please let me know how we can help.
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