Secondary Infertility
"So when are you going to have another one?"
For a long time, that was a painful question for me to answer. More often now, since I'm over 40 and my daughter, Miriam, is a teenager, I'm asked: "Do you have any other children?" My reply always catches in my throat: "No, she's my only one."
I've spent the last 15 years brushing off the subject of pregnancy with a shrug, a light-hearted comment, or a curt remark, often while fighting back tears. Before I had Miriam, I endured a variety of fertility treatments, and my husband, Joe, and I were thrilled to finally hold Miriam in our arms. We figured our infertility problems were over.
Joe and I figured wrong. We staggered through treatments—this time bearing the extra medical expenses on one less income, since I quit my job to stay home with our daughter—before we decided to stop. Because we still longed for another child, we opted to pursue adoption. But our adoption plans either went awry or were prohibitively expensive.
I've discovered I'm not alone. I'm one of more than half a million women in the United States who know the joy of parenthood while experiencing the heartbreak of reproductive failure. I have secondary infertility.
Caught In-between
Like most people, I assumed that despite my initial fertility struggles, because I bore one child, I could have more. But secondary infertility's even more of a shock to those who've had no previous problems. "If someone would have told me I'd be infertile four years ago, I would have laughed my head off," says Lesley, an Illinois woman. "How could someone who got pregnant twice without trying be infertile?"
Perhaps the bitterest irony of secondary infertility is having to live in a nether world between larger families and childless couples. Helane S. Rosenberg and Yakov M. Epstein, authors of Getting Pregnant When You Thought You Couldn't, put it this way: "You have lost your membership in the primary infertility group by attaining the dream (they) still long for. … Yet you feel you do not really belong to the world of the fertile." They call secondary infertility the "loneliest kind," a depressingly apt description.
In addition to this sense of isolation, I'm aware of a constant inner turmoil, a tug of war between joy in the child I have and heartache over the ones I don't. For years I tortured myself, thinking I must be dissatisfied with my daughter and greedy for wanting more. Rosenberg and Epstein explain that "few couples experiencing primary infertility feel their desire to have a child is inappropriate … on the other hand, couples with secondary infertility often feel that one should be enough. … The inability to have more children can be just as psychologically and socially devastating as being childless against your will."
This isn't unique to single-child homes, I've discovered. Harriet Fishman Simons, in her excellent book Wanting Another Child, relates the conflict as a mother of two: "I didn't feel I had the right to want more when so many people had no children."
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2001, March/April, Vol. 23, Issue 2, Page 66
Related Topics:
Children, Comfort, Depression, Infertility, Motherhood, parenting, Pregnancy, Siblings
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Average User Rating:
Joyce
As I read this article I had to stop and wonder if somehow I had written it. It was exactly us...our daughter is 15, we went through and ectopic pregnancy and adoption that failed. Sometimes it is more than I can handle and I wish for someone to talk to that understands. There are so manny that don't. This weekend my brother just had his second baby...I made an excuse not to go to the hospital because I couldn't take the pain it would cause. Now, I feel guilty...but it was the right thing for me.
understands the "old friend"
Excellent article. My husband and I have been unable to have any children. I have a couple friends that are struggling with secondary infertility and I don't think their pain is any less than mine. I would also love to hear an article about those dealing with never being able to have children. I get tired of people telling me "there's always adoption". I know they mean well, but I don't think they realize it's not a quick fix to infertility problems. I admit that I get jealous of others who get to experience pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc. But, God is good and I know He has a plan and I appreciate the author's honesty in dealing with her struggles and how God brings her comfort in her struggles.
anonymous
Thank you so much for this article! I have felt so much guilt as well for wanting another child and I have felt like I shouldn't or couldn't talk about how I felt with anyone because I knew they would either say the well-meaning but irritating "just relax and it will happen" (which makes me feel like me wanting another child is causing my infertility which hurts and frustrates me even though it isn't true) or "you should be thankful for the son you do have" which makes me of course feel guilty. It's so hard... this article took the words right out of my mouth and I thank you for "giving me permission" to be able to feel how I feel... that I'm not alone and other people out there DO understand. Thanks
anomynous
Thank you so much for your article. It is exactly how I feel, but no one seems to really understand, except for the ones who have been there. Secondary infertility is so hard, because you almost feel guilty for wanting another child, but it doesn't stop your aching for another one. Also, it has been hard on me finding out about close friends and family becoming pregnant. I guess you could call it bittersweet. And if I could get a dime for everytime someone told me to relax I would be a millionaire! You addressed every feeling I have had. Thank you for sharing your heart. It helped me so much to know that I am not the only one who feels this way.
Heather Boreham
As a Spina Bifida, childless (but thankfully) married believer, I thought it was excellent. Yes, she has more than me, but honestly struggles with God's plan for her. How about an article for those of us who aren't allowed or are too sick to ever become pregnant and constantly have that as our 'old friend"?
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