Lessons from Longing
A couple years ago, I hurriedly stopped by my neighborhood Starbucks. Visions of being at work on time were slipping away; however, facing the morning without an extra-hot latte was more than I could bear.
Drink in hand, I headed for the door when someone caught my eye. Lounging in a velvet armchair was a slim, chestnut-haired woman in her early thirties. She was clad in typical Colorado-casual: long-sleeve tee, black leggings, sport sandals. A classic band of hammered gold graced her left hand, which held the Denver Post she was reading. The woman's 18-month-old son was asleep in her lap with sunlight streaming through the window, glinting on his blond hair.
For days I pondered my reaction to this scene. Looking at them, I felt a well of emotion rising from my stomach, flooding my chest and throat, until it reached my eyes and became tears. Why?
Someone inside me that morning—the someone screaming to be heard—wanted to be that woman. To wake up and put on yoga pants and a T-shirt on a weekday. To be free of the need to work outside the home full-time. To be able to sit in a Starbucks at 8:00 a.m. on a sunny April morning, drink a latte, snuggle my child, and read the paper. I don't know her story, but what I saw was a young wife and mother enjoying the hand life dealt her.
I'm a single woman, and it's true that I'm living a life gifted to me by my Lord. I have a loving extended family, incredible friends, and opportunities for ministry in which I feel God's pleasure. But singleness is hard. Really hard. Most days the kind of companionship I ache for in this world, I don't have. This feeling constantly drives me to seek answers from God, and the answer I consistently receive is: "Keep hoping."
What kind of response is that?
Some questions only have answers in heaven. "Why am I still single—when you know I long to love and be loved by a good man? When this is in my very design as a woman?" Questions such as this come anyway. Not knowing the answers invites the practice of faith in one of the most raw areas of my life. Though it's pointless to use our limited understanding to critique God's plans, in my experience, it's helpful to catch glimpses of purpose in my single state. What's God creating in me through this experience?
Courage
Each passing year, I worry that my dream of being a wife and mother is slipping a little further from my grasp. At 32, my friends tell me this is silly. They're right, but my fear remains.
Somewhere deep inside, I hope having a husband by my side will enable me to relax a little. I don't want another Savior; I simply want to go home each evening to someone who believes in me and encourages me, because this just might make facing the scary parts of life a little easier. But not having someone there forces me to turn to God instead. He answers by teaching me practical ways to combat my fear, which is really a result of spiritual assault from the Evil One.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2005, January/February, Vol. 27, Issue 1, Page 50
Related Topics:
Authenticity, Courage, Dreams, Faith, in God, Fear, frustration, God's Plan, Hope, longing, Singleness
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Cielo
Nice article, very helpful. Thank God for a sensitive woman who shares her experience. Seems like God is telling us You are not alone, I´m here with you.♪♪ Looks like we are recharging batteries, doesn´t it? Cielo
Gina
This article came just when I needed it. As many other single women, I'm also going through periods of loneliness. However, at my age where so much is happening in my life, I feel I'm not ready for a relationship. I have had 2 failed marriages before and almost an empty nester. It has been rough to say the least; but with the Lord's help I have made it. The Lord have said to me more than once, that He has someone for me. It's been 5 years been alone after a divorce but it sure feels a lifetime. I am patiently waiting on the Lord, but sometimes I feel like Abraham (25 years of waiting for the fulfillment of the Promise) I hope I don't have to wait that long. On the other hand, I feel quite content with what the Lord has given me. In my case, a commitment is somewhat scary. I know the Lord does not make mistakes but I'm not sure about myself. I'm still work in progress.
Anusha T. Ganesapillai
I'm only 24 yrs old but somehow ever since I was young I'd always believe deep in my heart that I can never get married bcoz I'm 'weird'. However, I'm crazy of Hindi movies because I believe in finding your one tru love but thats in my fantasy world, not the real world. Reading your article has made me realised how many lies of Satan I've agreed with such as being not capable enough, not good enough etc. Thank you for this article. Although I don't have any prob with being single for now in a few years to come as I want to be independent 1st, I do hope deep doen inside that I can be married and have a family of my own one day, and yr article has brought me that hope. God bless you =)
Jennifer
Like Colleen, I truly struggled with being single. My mission in college was to get a MRS. degree and thankfully the Lord showed me that His plan was totally different. Although I definitely made mistakes along the way, the Lord continually showed me which path to take. For a long time, I couldn't even enjoy weddings or a friend's engagement because I was so caught up in the "why isn't it me?" attitude. Being single was once a curse, but it became a wonderful time in my life when I read 1 Corinthians 7:17 - "Each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him.." Maybe I needed to concentrate on the Lord and His incredible plans! Elisabeth Elliot's book, "Passion and Purity" also spoke to me during the times when my confidence waned and those little whispers of not being good enough kept coming. But I had to come to the realization that whether or not I ever got married, I am called to worship and be thankful to the Lord wherever He places me.
Sharron
Thanks for the article! I am a single-again and I was going thru one of those feeling sorry for myself moments. I needed to put everything back into perspective. Although, the author and I differ in that I have been married and have children, the isolation results are the same. I see God's hand as I sort out my lot in life, but somedays it's nice to be reminded not to let the devil have his say!
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