Feeling Thrown Away
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I saw the crumpled paper out of the corner of my eye while talking to an acquaintance at the end of choir rehearsal. I finished my conversation, bent over, and picked up the paper to toss it in the wastebasket. At the last second I uncrumpled and read it.
I saw my handwriting.
I love to sing; singing in the choir fed my soul. The choir room was my sacred space. Our choir director usually started us with vocal warm-ups, then we'd rehearse a few anthems before taking a break for devotions. We exchanged prayer requests at the end of each break. We wrote them down and put them in a basket, then took one from the basket as it made its way back around.
This evening was different. Our choir director asked us to write down a personal prayer request, one we might not otherwise share publicly. He challenged us to sign our names if we felt we could. It didn't take long to write mine—the words flowed easily. I'd written a personal request but couldn't decide if I'd sign my name. With palms sweating, at the last second, I signed my name, folded the paper, and tossed it in the basket. I'd taken a huge risk. I remember thinking, Anita, you are really desperate to do this.
I was.
Now leaving to go home, I picked up that crumpled piece of paper to discover my handwriting. I smoothed it and read it again.
"I'm very lonely. Please pray for me."
Desperate
I'd found my plea, discarded and tossed on the floor. I was devastated. I put the smoothed-out piece of paper in my Bible, and thought, I'll take this home and throw it out myself! Then no one else can find my confession. A piece of my heart was inked onto that piece of paper. It withered and died that night.
On the ride home, my mind went into overdrive. How many people saw this, picked it up, read it, and dropped it back on the floor? I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I wanted to leave the choir and the church and never come back.
If you knew me then, you had no idea the depth of my loneliness. Even I didn't fully. I was a worship leader, and in leadership at work, but I was dying inside. I had plenty of acquaintances, but no deep friendships. I was desperately lonely and in a very lonely marriage.
A few weeks later the woman who had picked my prayer request out of the basket privately identified herself and apologized. She'd intended to visit me, but hadn't been able to find the time. As she told me this, I remember screaming inside my head, I can't believe you are standing there telling me that you almost came to visit me, but you didn't have time! I was desperate enough to write this request and sign my name to it; can you honestly not see how lonely I am right now?
But that's not what I said. I kept a demure smile on my face and nodded politely.
When the conversation ended, my questions turned toward God: Lord, where are you? Do you hear me? Do you care? Couldn't you send someone to meet me in my loneliness? Didn't I take a risk and do my part?
Related Topics:
Community, Emptiness, Friends, Friendship, Loneliness, Risk-Taking
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EDK
While reading the article, I thought that God wants this woman, and all of us, to come to Him in our deep loneliness. People are inconsistant and unreliable. People disappoint and hurt. HOWEVER, sitting in solitude with God day in/out and not being in community is not what God asks. Even Jesus only spent time in solitude with God for a time, and then he was with his diciples and others. We are designed for community. God - the Trinity - is in constant community with Himself, and is never alone. God is perfect, but even He said about Adam, "It is not good for man to be alone." The answer in a nutshell. It is not good for people to be alone, but with other people.
Stephanie
Anita- such a touching article. I feel your pain too. *virtual hug*
CC
I sort of agree with Adeline. I've been very lonely for a long time and don't have a really good friend to talk to. But during that time, I have drawn closer to God. I try to look at the loneliness as a "severe mercy." God uses it to teach us things we would never know otherwise.
Elenore Rowland-George(Registered User)
I can really relate to this article. There are times I feel so lonely even though I have been a member at my church for years. I just dont know who to share my intimate feelings with. I turn to God in prayer
Adeline
WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IS A BLESSING. PEOPLE SHOULD SEEK TO FEEL THIS DEEP LONELINESS. When I used to feel very lonely, I realized it was to go deeper with God. The best times of my life was when I was extremely lonely....so lonely that I could only reach to God...people thought i looked lonely physically but inside I was totally fufilled and happy. God brought people to tell me exactly what I needed, give me hugs etc. But they NEVER infringed on my relationship w GOD. The happiest ppl on earth are those who are alone w GOD. SEEK GOD.
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