Caregiving Grace
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As I stack dirty dishes and pile papers on the table, I notice Mom's tiny, blue handwriting scrawled across a sticky note, reminding herself of an upcoming MRI. I wipe away a tear and glance over at her.
Her head is bowed as though praying as she sits in her blue chair, which is surrounded by plants and overlooks the pond. She has grade 2 astrocytoma, a brain tumor. The doctors don't know how long she has, and so I water her plants, change her diapers, cook her supper, and kiss her goodnight.
My son sits in his Bumbo watching me and watching his grandmother's head bob to the music on the stereo. Soon I'll hook her arms around my neck and we'll dance our way to the bathroom, her in her stretchy blue pants and me in my black leggings. My son will gurgle and I'll beg God for the strength to keep caring for those I love.
A woman's love is endless, but her energy is not. It's easy to want to care for others, while forgetting that we, ourselves, have needs. There are days when I crumble into my husband's arms and weep, and he kisses my hair and reminds me I am only human, something every woman needs to be reminded of. Otherwise, we tend toward a messiah-complex—the belief that we can save the world if we try hard enough.
This crumbling has taught me humility. It's taught me to pray. And it's taught me the secret to staying strong when others are weak.
The Stats
A recent poll by AARP revealed that approximately 34 million Americans serve as unpaid caregivers. Four to five million care for parents with long-term health problems. "Caregivers report having one or more chronic conditions, such as high blood pressure, at nearly twice the rate of all Americans," Mindy Fetterman of USA Today writes in "Becoming 'Parent of Your Parent' an Emotionally Wrenching Process." "Of those who say their health has worsened because of caregiving, 91 percent report depression."
Burnout is extremely common among familial caregivers—the majority of whom are women, according to the National Alliance for Caregiving—because of the guilt that accompanies the role.
That is true in my case. Mom and I suffered a strained relationship while I was growing up. As a result, I spent hours trying to make up for those years—trying to fold enough laundry or water enough plants or bake enough cookies to compensate for the way I'd hurt her—but this only led to exhaustion.
Suzanne Mintz, cofounder and president of the National Family Caregivers Association, likens burnout to a teakettle: "When all the heat and steam build up inside and you hear the kettle whistling, it is like a scream for help."
When my kettle started whistling, I realized I needed to put on my own oxygen mask before helping my mother with hers. That is, I needed to nurture myself mentally, physically, and spiritually, so I could continue to care for others.
Related Topics:
Aging, Burnout, Comfort, Grief, Rest
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Maria
I am my mother's legal guardian...she suffers from dementia. My father-in-law is dying of pancreatic cancer - at our house. I have a 5 & 8 year old. I am tired. But I believe it is important to do this. I said "no" to someone yesterday for something small. I wanted to help them because I knew it was important to them. But I CAN'T. I feel guilty for saying no, but also a little angry that they would even dare ask. I know God is providing grace for each day - and needed the reminder to look after myself.
brenda
im looking after my mom who is seriously sick wt diabetes for 2years but of late i really feel exhausted thank God for this article at least now am relieved and will continue fully trusting God to strengthen me even at the worst times
jean
I, too, have been in the caregiving role several times, currently guardian for my brother who is severely impaired as the result of a tragic accident. A few years ago when I was caring for him as well as both parents (who have since died), I was complaining to a friend how hard it was. He had lost both his parents in the same year and very quietly said, "Some day you won't get to do this." I immediately changed my attitude and thanked God simply for still having these family members. Today I have wonderful memories of the times we spent together, though difficult they were, and have no regrets.
edith
Thank you for the encouraging words my mum suffered a severe stroke in 2005 she is 59 and dad is 63. my dad is caring for her and i know there are times when he is burnt out and tired. I would like to reach out to him.I have also talke d to God and asked my many questions why mum had to suffer the stroke and sometimes i do not seem to her a response. Today by reading this article i feel God is trying to talk to me and let me know that it is all for good.
Brandee Shafer
wise and well-written
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